Mother's Day without my Mom

I have been dreading today for weeks - ever since they started putting ads all over newspapers, on television, on sidebars to web pages and even into my own email inbox. Every ad I saw I turned the channel, flipped the page or deleted. I didn't want to see the words, I didn't want to accept what it meant.

This is my first Mother's Day without my mom. 

The very first of many to come and it is a reminder of all the heartache and loss I've gone through over the past year. My mother was such an amazing woman and such an inspiration. She was tough when she needed to be, soft whenever possible, always smiling at everyone irregardless of where they came from.

I'm still shell-shocked that we lost her so fast. I know some people it's sudden, as was the case with my Aunt Velma, but with my mom she was with us and smiling and laughing and then suddenly she was diagnosed with cancer and it consumed her. Every moment was precious and I appreciated all of them. For so long the focus has been on the end. The time when she was sick and the family was rallying around her and praying for some miracle. It was hard to remember that I had 32 years with her before she left this world - 32 years of memories and smiles. Of adventures and of love. 

We found some voicemails emailed to us from my mom through Vonage. She sent them in 2010 so it was well before she was sick. Just hearing her voice brought tears to my eyes but I had to go through every one. I plan on doing it again as soon as I'm done this post because I know it's a precious gift that not everyone has - the voice of their parent who has passed. A voice that makes them seem so alive and so real. All of her messages start out the same "Hi it's just Mom calling." Every single one. No wavering. It was almost like she was reading from a script.

This week at my group with the Coping Centre we are having a Memory Night. We are all to bring in things, be they pictures, songs, video, mementos and we are all going to share them and share our story. I had some grand dreams of putting together a book with pictures of my mom and her recipes. But for some reason when I went to do it, the images I had are too small. I could go re-scan them but the thought of going alone through all the pictures is overwhelming. It took 7 of us hours to go through them the first time. I fear doing this one alone would be completely overwhelming. 

When I started this post, I didn't want to write about me, I wanted to write about her. But I know that one of the biggest things that I wanted to get across to my 4 readers is that they need to appreciate life while they still have it. They need to capture memories on film. They need to hang on to those that they can while they still can and forgive people. 

I say this, but I still have a hard time forgiving people for things that were said, or not said and things that were done, either to me or around me. I'm trying to let those I love, know that I love them. Because I really honestly and truly do. And I'm trying to let go of those that haven't deserved my heart and in a way forgive them so they don't take up so much head space. But that my folks is a post for another day. 

Today I am going to honour my mom's memory. I'm going to walk on the Hyde Tract, her family's former land and I'm going to remember her and love her with all my heart. I've shed quite a few tears this morning, so I assume that I'm going to shed some more. 

Please hug your moms. Show them you love them and tell them while you still can. I wish I could.

Makes Me Think

Woke up feeling yucky so I called in sick to work today. Pretty much didn't leave my bedroom for most of the day. Thanks to the power of a laptop, I was still able to be connected to the outside world. I started stumbling around on the internet and came across a blog where someone wrote out their favourite messages that were written on the website www.makesmethink.com (MMT)

If you have never heard of this website, I suggest you sit down and check it out. You will laugh, you will cry, you will be left with no choice but to click through to another page. And another page. And then one more after that. Before you know it you've gone through 20+ pages. You have read about soldiers thankful to be alive, soldiers wives being left alone. You've read about people showing their love for a sibling who made them smile, or how a grandparent showed them what love is. You'll have seen beautiful moments captured from people of all walks of life, and of all ages. 

As many of you know, I've been reading www.postsecret.com for years now and have had it linked. I love the idea of sharing personal thoughts and ideas in a beautiful form. It's still a fantastic site, but as it is constantly changed every week, it's hard to go back and see old favourites. From what I've seen from MMT is that the records continue on. Here are a few samples:

Today, after working for him for the last several months, I asked the owner of our company why he chooses to keep his hair so long (right now it touches his shoulders). “When I was 17 my baby sister began to sufferer from a medical condition that made all of her hair fall out. I had long hair at the time, so I shaved my head and donated my hair to make a wig for her. Ever since, I have grown my hair out and donated it to Locks of Love every couple of years.” MMT

Today, I asked my younger brother who has been in and out of rehab over the last year, “Why do you always insist on taking the hard road?” “Why do you assume I see two roads?” he replied. MMT

Today, my sister, who has Down Syndrome, followed through with her plan to sing at the school talent show. She’s been practicing her song diligently every afternoon for the last month, but it still worried me. I was terrified by the thought of how the students in the audience would respond to her. I just felt like there was a strong chance that they would be mean. But they weren’t. In fact, she was the only act that received a standing ovation the entire night. MMT

Today, two years after I was told I would never walk again, I got up out of my wheelchair and took my first few unassisted steps into my wife’s arms. MMT

Something that really really stuck with me was that I wished I was more grateful to those that had helped me and I wished that I had apologized to more people that I had hurt. Reading some of the stories from those that had lost people really touched me. I know their pain. In reading I felt connected to those people and their hurt. 

A few years ago I had the opportunity to see a boy I went to elementary school with named Nick. He had just had a baby girl and I was so incredibly happy for him. Nick was one of those overly happy but incredibly different people. He was teased, and often and I'm pretty sure I could've been put in that group of people that did it to him. When he came in to my photo studio with his daughter for some portraits he was so happy to see me. So friendly. As I worked to capture some of his daughters smiles on film I built up my courage and I apologized for teasing him. 

In that moment, Nick looked me in the eye and then smiled. "You didn't tease me," he said looking at me with the same face that I used to see in elementary school. "Other kids teased me but you were always nice to me."

I thought I was a bully myself but here was one of the most picked on kids telling me that he thought I was nice. Something inside me changed that day. I knew that I needed to stop letting bullies get away with being mean to those that are different than them. I've tried to live my life differently since than, accepting others for who they are and trying not to judge them by the colour of their skin, their accent, their clothing, their sexual orientation or their physical capabilities. I like to think that if I had a child that I would raise it to be the same way. Accepting. Loving. Giving. Confident. 

It's amazing how reading this one site has brought this memory etched on my mind back to me. Now my memories of Nick from when we were at school together are filled with his bright eyes and his smile that could light the whole room. I no longer feel guilt or shame for the way I treated him and I wish him well in all that he does. I'm so glad that he's happy and that he's created a daughter so beautiful with long dark hair and dark eyes. I hope she will inherit his positive attitude and that she will be just as strong as he was coming to school day after day and being friendly even if others are not. 

My jumbled brain

Sometimes an idea for a blog will hit me at the craziest times and when it comes time to sit down and actually do it, I find myself completely lost as to where to start.

The other day I was driving to my sisters from work and looked out across a country field and was overwhelmed with the need to write a blog about an adventure I took while working for the Cambridge Reporter back in the day. I was so set and determined that I would write the blog and post the awesome pictures.

Then life happened.

Life keeps happening all around me and it is amazing and wonderful, sad and painful. My friends and family members continue to have gorgeous babies, plan wonderful weddings, give their hearts to the world around them and their time and their money. It's wonderful and joyous and fantastic.

And when I look around, I just feel like I'm treading water sometimes. Going through the motions every single day. Not really getting anywhere, but not really being left behind either. I'm just here and the days just keep going on. Day turns to night, night turns to day. My ideas float around and then disappear. Sometimes I make something of them. Sometimes I don't but I find it interesting the way my mind works. They way it constantly weaves and sways backwards and forwards. Sometimes it's overwhelmed, sometimes it's completely in charge.

A few weeks ago I was at my dad's house and we were talking about the past and the future but not really about today. (I think it's something that people who have experienced loss are very good at doing.) He was giving me some of my mom's rings, as we are finally dealing with her will, and we were looking through some stuff in the office. He looked at his large bookshelf of photographs and confirmed again that I wanted his photo albums in which I instantly said yes. There is something so wonderful about having the memories all captured together in an album and having my father's words underneath explaining what was happening and the funny story involved. I realize that pictures on a computer screen can never capture that same moment. You don't get the emotion and they are cold.

I began to realize that there moments in my life that on the screen would just seem cold and empty. I looked at some of our wonderful parties we've had over the years and realized that wouldn't it be great to immortalize them into a book. I created a book with some of our wedding photos for my husband for one of our many wedding anniversaries and I love looking at it. Why can't I do that with other wonderful moments?

And so I want to create a book for the Beer Olympics. The big party that I hosted and helped organize for all my friends back in 2008. The pictures for some reason are no longer showing up on the site, but it's still there in essence. I know that I've had some requests to bring it down now that we've gotten older and some of us have become more concerned about our names and images being accessible to employers and the world. It made me begin to feel that it's time to immortalize those memories and images after I'm gone.

I have also been toying with the idea of putting together a memory cookbook of my mom. I needed a recipe around thanksgiving, which was a few weeks after my mom had passed, and I ended up finding all these wonderful recipe cards that she had hand written. Some on scraps of paper with notes as to who she got them from and when. I think it'd be fantastic to put them together with pictures of her so that we have them for all time. I also think it'd be the best gift I can give my siblings to keep and cherish of my mom.

I know that all of this is mourning work. We've been talking in my Coping group about the difference between grieving, which is the feelings we hold inside and don't show anyone and mourning which is the outward manifestation of those feelings. Looking at pictures, sharing stories, crying, all of these are outward and visible and are all part of the process. There is nothing wrong with them and I find great comfort in them all. I feel like she's with me.

This week in session was a hard one. We talked about the moment it happened, when we found out and who was immediately there afterwards. I mentioned how my mom passed and how my aunt who recently passed away was a great comfort to me. She put her arms around me for a big hug and she whispered in my ear to tell me that my mom loved me. In that moment I was filled with so much warmth. I can't even begin to describe it. When my aunt passed a few weeks ago, I found that I had to do the same for her kids. I don't know if they felt the same warmth that I did, but I knew it was an important thing to do. Recalling that story made me cry, and it's making me cry now, but that's good. I need to cry sometimes.

In a way, this blog is also part of my mourning work. It allows me to get my feelings out into the world so that you can see what I'm going through. Some people think I should be all better now and back to my happy go lucky self. Some people have never lost someone that meant so much to them and so they never understand that the feelings linger and that they sometimes manifest themselves in different ways. I'm learning through my group that it's okay if I'm not ready to be around certain people. That it's okay if I change a bit and that it's okay if I don't ever go back to the person that people thought I was before.

One thing that has really been bothering me is the way that some people look to me to be this wild and crazy party person. They expect me to be full of life and joy when out in large groups. They don't know the other me. The one who only feels comfortable and secure with people she knows. They don't know that it takes me 3 days to recover from being in a large group. They have no idea that in reality I'm introverted and that sometimes it's very difficult for me to talk to new people. Sure I can be loud sometimes and I can get rowdy, but only when I'm truly comfortable and feel in control. If I don't have that control, I don't act recklessly.

In many ways, I feel for my husband. He doesn't quite understand, even though he's introverted too. He has found an outlet every week at karaoke. He feels comfortable, included and part of the crowd. He joins in and sings. He laughs and has a great time. Every week he comes home and tells me how I would really love it and whenever music is on he tells me that I should sing this song or that. He doesn't know how it feels to be completely overwhelmed sometimes by the large group and  how it actually hurts inside to think of going up on the stage. I know that the one time I went there were a large amount of people there I didn't know. Everyone was welcoming but I still felt on the outside looking in, like I didn't belong. It's still nice to know that people ask about me when I'm not there, but they don't realize how hard it would be for me and how that one night of going would probably make me want to stay inside for a week.

Sometimes, I will go places where there is a smaller crowd. And sometimes I will still come out of my little shell and talk to people. But it isn't where I'm comfortable. This is my "new normal" as we keep talking about in my group. I feel comfortable there. Everyone has experienced loss. They've all had the heartache that continues to plague me. They've all had moments where they've forgotten where they started and where they were going. They've all been stopped dead in their tracks realizing that what they were about to do wasn't going to work because the person they were going to do it for, or that they were trying to contact is no longer there.

Loss is hard.

And it's jumbled my brain.

This weekend I want to celebrate life. In the only jumbled way I know how, with cherished friends and family, and by myself. I feel that for the first time since my mom passed I should really follow through with the promises that I've been wanting to keep.

Quick Update

I have a few blogs in my mind but until my final assignment is handed in Sunday I think it's not fair to finish them.

Sunday. Eek! How could the past 4 months gone so quickly? Last week I had to hand in a synopsis of my entire book from start to finish. Considering I hadn't even written it all yet this was no easy feat. Luckily I had my husband around long enough to sit with me while I agonized over it sitting in a Pizza Hut just hours before it was due.

I also started out at the Coping Centre last week. As you may already know, I've experienced a lot of loss over the past 14 months. My uncle passed away after a 7 year battle with liver cancer last February, my mom was diagnosed in May of Stage 4 cancer and passed away in September with my dog going two weeks after. A few weeks ago I also lost one of my favourite Aunts. There have been other losses over the past year and a bit and it's made life a little difficult for me. I'm not just the same happy go lucky person that I once was and I'm hoping this group can help me cope with everything.

A few weeks ago I stayed at a fabulous B&B in Stratford called the Blue Spruce on Erie. I have a big ol' blog post written about that in my brain that I still need to flesh out. Before I have a chance, please take my word for it that it's a great place to stay that's not too far from downtown.

While in Stratford I went to check out some dogs as me and the hubs have decided we are ready to find a dog perfect for us. While at the Humane Society they let me walk one of the dogs, a very sweet girl named Chanel, but halfway down the stairs I ended up going down with a really bad sprain. Or I hope it's a sprain. I need to get an xray this week (somehow at some point.)

This week I have 4 family birthdays and the potential birth of two babies that I'm planning on loving like my own. My bestie Devon is having a c-section on Friday and my sister-in-law is due on Tuesday but the baby could come any time. Heck, she could be in labour right this minute and we wouldn't know because of the fact that they don't allow cell phones. So I'll be rooting for them all week. I also have a wedding shower out of town on Sunday afternoon.

All this craziness means that I have zero time to do all the thousands of things I want to do, and I need to instead spend every waking minute working on the first 20 pages of my novel along with a letter to a publisher where I'd like to market my book to. Tonight I've set the ground work on the publisher, again. I had done work at the start of the course but now that I'm writing I feel that perhaps a different publishing house might be more suited to my work.

So yeah. That's as much of an update as I have time for right now. I'll have a bit more time to breath next Monday night but until then - it's nose to the grindstone! Wish me luck!

Stumbleupon vs Pinterest

Came to the realization that when using Stumbleupon I find all sorts of awesome and some crap but it's so random that I love it. One page will be some awesome how to garden site and then it'll send me a crazy looping video of some guy getting hit in the nuts. Random. But it's fast and it'll take you all over the interweb with the click of a button. Plus the more you use it, and the more you tell it what you like and don't like, the more it shows you sites that are perfectly tailored to you and what you would like to see. It's genius.

Yet using Stumbleupon has only been made more awesome by my use of Pinterest.

The flaw with Stumbleupon was that it was difficult for me to remember what I liked - even if I went and pressed the like button. I wouldn't have a clue what something was unless the URL was simple. By blending Stumbleupon with Pinterest I'm able to pin a visual reference to a board where I can actually remember to go back. And I do. Often.

I've been gushing about Pinterest to friends and family for months now. I had actually stumbled upon it a few times and loved the pages I was seeing. I requested to join, got an email that it was set up and away I went. I had long since decided to only pin the absolute best of the best of the best stuff. The cream of the crop. Things I'd actually want to do or to remember. Food I would actually eat on an board that I could remember to go back to and with recipes that are actually easy enough I could make them on my own.

For awhile, I was so in love with Pinterest that I stopped using stumbleupon. I was repinning from the pins on the site. But I've come to realize that I need the randomness. I think they are both outstanding and recommend them for everyone.

So in this case - it's a tie.

Working through it

Ever since I found out that my Aunt passed away, I've barely been able to sleep. I stay up until I'm too exhausted and then wake every morning at the same time on my alarm - 5:59. Not sure the significance but it's really had me walking around like a zombie.

This whole process of dealing with death is so different for so many people. Some people retreat within themselves. Some lash out. Some become weepy. Some question everything. Some put it all back on god. Some spend a lot of time praying. Some will have conversations with the person who has passed similar to ones they had when they were here.

All of those things are okay.

What's not okay are the people that try to tell anyone grieving to just get over themselves.
What's not okay are the people who say "I lost someone too but you don't see me crying."
What's not okay are the people that try to tell you that it isn't normal.

I'm not always dealing with this process well and I've been battling depression. Depression is something I've had to deal with for as long as I remember, same with anxiety. Two different beasts doing battle in my brain that it's amazing I even leave the house at all.

To deal with the depression and the grieving process, I've signed up for a round at The Coping Centre. I've already had my intake interview and I'm 90% certain I'm in but until I get the official email in the next week or so I won't know for sure. The Coping Centre brings together people who have fairly recently lost someone, be it a child, a parent, a spouse, a close friend; and allow the group to work together towards understanding, acceptance and coping skills to be able to work through it.

I think this process will really help me ride the waves of depression as they come rolling in and I find myself sitting and staring into space or playing endless hours of Freecell for no reason. I don't know if Freecell is an unconscious decision because my mother and grandmother loved it, or if it's just something I do to keep my brain active, but not fully turned on.

I'm working through this process the only way I know how. I've gone from 0 to 60 and back again with my emotions in the course of a half hour. If you can be patient with me and not put too much pressure on me, I can assure you that I am still the same person as I was before. I can still have a wicked sense of humor, kind words, hope for the future, dreams and wishes I'd like to share and a love that grows more and more every day for my family and close friends.

I'm feeling slightly hesitant for taking on new friends or letting in friends that don't know my story. If that's the case with you, and you feel that I'm standoffish and lack warmth, my apologies. I can't change who I am now, and I may never go back to being the person who instantly welcomes you into my life and my heart. But as with above, if you have the patience, and don't ask too much of me, I just might be someone you'd like to know.

In the meantime, I'm going to try and find some more sleep although I fear it will elude me.

Good bye Aunt Velma

The angels took another one yesterday.

It was so unexpected. Receiving a call from one of my dear cousins, one of the few who actually have my home phone number, to tell me that one of my most beloved Aunts passed away.

It isn't even so much that she's gone, it's how she's gone. She was fit as a fiddle. Happy, healthy. Loving and giving. She had a sweet calmness about her that really helped me in the hours and days after my mom died.

But on Tuesday evening with the weather warm she decided to head out. "It's so nice Nancy. I think I'll go for a drive."

I imagine she had the windows down and was relaxed while she headed towards Guelph, and unknowingly to her death. I imagine she never saw the red pick up truck coming as it t-boned her car, flipped and spun it into a persons lawn. Her spinal cord severed and many other injuries were too much. They rushed her too Hamilton. She never woke up, and in fact was declared brain dead. She didn't see it coming, and neither did any of us.

She was a wonderful light in the world and it pains me that she's been taken from it too soon. It pains me that the driver of the truck received only minor injuries. It pains me that I never got a chance to thank her for holding me close and whispering in my ear after my mom died. Those words of comfort I can't even recall but I can remember how warm and how loved I felt.

I will never forget that she always kept legos for me long after her children had grown to big for them. Her legos were the absolute best and she would let me build entire cities of houses on the squares of her kitchen floor. I will not forget the friendship her and mom had, and I can only assume that they are together now with my Uncle Larry who passed early last year chatting and catching up.

I'm assured that my mother met her on her journey and that they are together now.

My Aunt Velma meant the world to me and as much as I feel her loss, I feel so bad for my cousins who have lost a wonderful mother. I know the pain they are going to go through and how difficult this is going to be for them. I hope that some way, somehow, I can offer them comfort in the same way that their mother offered it to me.

Rest in peace Aunt Velma. You will be missed.