You are NOT the father!

Taking a sick day. Felt a little off yesterday, but when I barely slept all night and woke up with stomach cramps and the feeling that I couldn't get warm enough - I knew it was probably smart to stay home.

So I'm partaking in some of the best daytime tv has to offer - Paternity tests on Maury.

I will never deny that I love this show - because it truly is television genius. Maury gives us people a chance to find out "who's my babies daddy?" He won't just give you two tests between two men - he'll do as many tests as needed. And that folks is brilliant.

Being a single parent is tough, but when you have someone denying he's your baby daddy - that's gotta hurt. Now when you have 5 guys denying, that's really gotta hurt. I personally can't imagine ever going on Maury and pouring out all my sexual encounters - but I've never been in that situation before. (Thank God!)

The Maury show uses the DNA Diagnostic Center to do the majority of their testing. Just to see how insane the amount of testing there is, follow this link. That many people - that many tests. It's crazy. And that list only goes to 2007. They've been on the Maury show since 2002!

Here are some highlights from Maury's DNA testing:

• The youngest girl to need a DNA test was a 12 year old girl who wanted to test a 13 year old boy - sadly - he was NOT the father.
• A 15 year old came on the show to announce that she's had sex more than 300 times.
• One of the most notorious segments had a white woman tell a white man that he wasn't the father of her black baby - he was shocked and couldn't believe it. You can see the awesome segment here.
  
• A woman has tested 11 men - can't exactly say sloppy seconds when you get into the double digits - and even the 11th guy was NOT the father
• The most potential fathers to be tested is 18
• A man who had a girlfriend, then slept with her 13 year old daughter - had the audacity to call them sluts. What do you call what he did? Same man got shot in the buttox and thinks he can't father kids. Maybe he's right because he was NOT the father.
  
• An awesome black man named Harry denied being a father because one of the kids is bowlegged. Turns out he doesn't only have one - he's got 8 kids as was confirmed on this exciting episode.
• Best quote on the show "I'm not that type of female"
  

For so many reasons, Maury truly is the best thing on TV in the morning hours and the best part of being home sick. And for your viewing pleasure, here's a delicious video. It's not a paternity test, but man it's funny. Enjoy!

Visions of Vistas

It's been a really long time since I've had a vision. Yet tonight, driving home after watching the delicious Julie & Julia, I forgot where I was. The sun had just set and the light blue rim of sky hadn't completely gone black yet. Clouds were on the horizon The way the light hit them, it looked just like mountains in the distance. For a few moments, I honestly thought I was there.

I haven't been longing the mountains in a really long time. If you, my faithful few readers, weren't aware - I lived in a mountain town in the Canadian Rockies for 9 months. The mountains alloted me the chance to find myself again and I truly treasured my time there and the friendships I made. Tonight, I wasn't missing my friends from the mountains, as I know they are still around - but I was missing the mountains themselves.

When I finally figured it out that I wasn't seeing mountains and that I was seeing clouds, my heart felt a loss. There is something so majestic and so powerful about being there. It makes you feel so small, but so alive. I felt that I could be anything I wanted to be. It was not only majestic, it was magical.

A gift to myself when I was turning 30 - getting a tattoo with two mountains a moon and a star. I now forever have them with me.

This past weekend I took a trip with some friends to a cottage in north-central Ontario. There was something truly calming about being near rock, trees and water. Man, I need to get out more.