Tearjerker

Today I find myself reminded of my mom.

Today would be her birthday.

I still find it incredibly difficult to imagine that she's gone. That we aren't going to get a phone call. That she won't be there when we pop in for a visit. That she isn't going to walk around the corner. That she won't tell me my hair is getting grey and I need to dye it. We won't hear her criticism and we won't hear her praise.

My mom was a very important aspect of my life. It pains me, today of all days, to think that I no longer have her in my life.

And I know I've said it before, she's still in my heart and in my memories. And I can try and live in her image. But not having her here really hurts today.

Mom, I miss you. I miss all that you are about and all that you were. I miss your smile. I miss your laughter. I miss your uniquely coloured eyes and you twirling your hair.

I miss you.

Best Friends 4 Ever....

I spent this morning with my best friends and I was reminded again how having multiple best friends is better than only having one best friend.

It is great having a best friend. Do not get me wrong, having a single best friend can be great. But it can also be incredibly hard work. Over the years I've had many times where I only had one best friend, but in those times I found that I always felt guilty doing anything with other friends. I felt like my best friend would feel completely left out if I didn't do everything with them.

And then there came the not knowing how much time is too much time to spend together. And how often do we need to talk for us to still be best friends.

My husband has accused me of making friends too easily sometimes. This has bothered some of my former best friends. They didn't generally have the same experience and would feel that I wasn't being true to their friendship because they felt they were being left out.

Having 4 best friends right now, plus my husband who is I suppose my true best friend, means that they all know about each other. They don't get mad when I spend time doing something with the other and they can hang out together without me. We all have different relationships with each other, and I'm sure some of them don't even count the other as a best friend. But they are best friends to me.

In 2011 I lived through one of the most heartbreaking and difficult times of my life. My best friends were all there for me. They brought me wine and food. They sat with me while I tried to rationalize what was going on in my head. They silently encouraged me and checked in on me to make sure that I was okay. And they were there for me in ways that I don't even think they knew about.

Their stories and adventures kept me going. Their willingness to take me out of my shell and to get me laughing even when I didn't want to, all meant so much for me. It was a simple twitter message. A simple posting of a picture on facebook. It was fairly regular emails. It was cheesecake on a patio. It was a glass of wine, a cooler full of food and a glass of wine.

I kind of closed myself off last year. But my friends didn't care. They were still there for me. If I needed them, they'd be there. They were there in the days, weeks and months of my mom's dying. They were with me in the days, weeks and months afterwards. They have been there for me and I hope that I have been able to let them understand how important that has been to me.

Having a singular best friend is a great thing. But many is an even better thing, and I'm incredibly lucky because I've got the absolute best of them. Friendships that just get better as we age and as we experience more and more together. Like a fine wine, my friends just get better with age.

So to my best friends, I love you all. Thank you for making my life better, for always being there for me and for ALWAYS making me feel loved.

Writing again

I'm writing again. Eeek!

As many of you know, I've signed up for a creative writing course on Romantic Writing. We can't completely call it a genre, as when you start to look into it further you realize there are so many different variations and lengths of stories involved. For a better idea - Harlequin has much of it broken down here: http://www.harlequin.com/articlepage.html?articleId=538&chapter=0

Friday was my first day of the course. I've been chomping at the bit to get in there and find out what it's all about. I have never done online learning, so I'm not 100% what to expect, but when I logged on I found things to be fairly straight forward. It was the first week and we already had a discussion topic that they've asked all of us to answer. The instructor basically wanted us to tell them who we are, where we came from and what brought us to the course. And then they asked us to tell what we like about romance writing as a reader.

Fairly straight forward right?

Not for me.

I over-analyze everything. Odd, since when I write it's basically verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth. (or written diarrhea as the case may be.) I started to put some things down and then realized that when I went back to the site, that other people in the course had written something already. It's interesting that we are able to see each others writing, but I know this is to generate discussion and not for assignments. (Even if it's worth 10% of our final grade in the course.)

With incredible apprehension I decided to check out what was written. I found that the people there seemed pretty genuine, but so different than me. It seemed they had only read the question at the top of the page and none of the other content on the site and then wrote a little blurb. There were spelling and grammar mistakes - something that I would think anyone taking a writing course would do their best to avoid. I tried not to judge, but it was hard not to. These are people that I feel I'm going to be compared to for the entire duration of the program - 4 months of us going against each other for assignments and grades.

Okay, let's be honest, I'm a bit of a nerd. I did really well in any of my English courses in school and I've always loved writing. Therefore I was very surprised by the responses to the questions. I thought everyone would be as thorough as I was planning to be - that everyone would go into detail to answer all of the questions. Instead it was more informal and natural.

The instructor had already answered 3 of the submissions that were in before the end of business today and she seemed very friendly and welcoming to all of them. I felt a little stumped. Here I was having to write something and slowly realizing that I was in this program for some slightly different reasons than the other people were - two were just taking courses because they like to write and are waiting for the next phase of their education, and one was taking the course so that she can help build on how to write relationships-but she had already completed a full novel.

I felt that in many respects, I was light years ahead and yet also completely behind. I've been published, something the three others had not really been. I used to work at a newspaper. But as anyone who has worked in the industry can tell you, being a journalist and being a fiction writer are two very different beasts. One tells the facts and the other is creative and often lives in a fantasy world.

And so I decided that this was where I was going to start.

I am a writer who has lost her way. 

And it was with that, that I started to do more research into romance writing. It was then that I started to see that there was more than just writing about heaving bossums and strong male leads, although if that's what you are into writing you can. I realized that there is a very strong place for me in romantic fiction and within a few hours, ideas came to my mind. I started writing some things down and then ultimately turned it into the beginnings of a story.

I am 732 words into the story of Eloise and I have a long way to go. But it's a start. I feel like I'm not just a writer that has lost her way anymore. I am a writer. I am creative and I can do this. I'm going to give it my all to actually finish what I start.

I meant what I said to my course:

"I no longer want to be the woman with her nose in a book, I want to be the woman with her name ON the book."

My day at the Psychic Expo

Went to the Psychic Expo at Bingemans in Kitchener yesterday with two special ladies in my life, my bestie Leanne and her friend Holly (who is my friend too but I know her through Leanne).

This wasn't my first expo, but it was my first at Bingemans. Prices have gone up quite a bit since I was at one about 10 years ago with my other bestie Devon and our friend Neil. Anyhow, I knew from experience that there are lots of psychics, mediums, tarot readers, palm readers and lots of prices and experiences being offered. What was nice about this expo was that they had them all set up around the outside of the room, and the inside had books, tarot decks, crystals, jewlery, and other little things that were for sale. We got in and wandered the entire room and tried to determine what we'd like to do.

I had warned the girls in advance that it wasn't going to be cheap if you wanted a really through experience. After going around, we found that $75 is the going rate for nearly everything. Many of the people at the show were actually fully booked for every time slot. It didn't really matter to us however.

I'm big on the vibe I get off people. There is something to be said for being comfortable with the people you are working with. When we did our first pass through, I didn't even think that I was going to get anything, let alone a reading. Holly and Leanne agreed that the very first table we went to felt like the most thorough and the best choice. His name was Tony, he was directly to the right of the main doors and he wasn't that busy. Surprising considering all that the did for people in his reading. He did a facial reading, palm reading, he would tell you about four people in your life, did a touch of numerology with your birthday and generally was pretty good. He didn't stay on any subject too long, but you were able to get a cd of your reading (minus a few parts). His wife was working the table and all of us got good vibes but I just wasn't sure I needed a full reading.

As I may have mentioned, I had a pretty good tarot reading in December. My other bestie Kristina hosted a tarot party day at her house where there were readings every half hour. I came out feeling better about what direction I needed to take. It actually helped inspire me to sign up for the course I'm starting Friday and to get my own office.

Back to the show, after deliberating, Holly booked her session and we had some time to wander around. On this pass, we ended up talking to some of the booths that were really busy when we went by and we got talking to a visual psychic. I got a warm and fuzzy feeling from them. We shared some laughs and I really liked the idea of getting a piece of art that is unique to me. Plus, at $65 I was saving a bit of money in the process.

I know what some people will say, psychics are crazy and the people that pay money for them are even worse. I don't agree with that. I think if you are open to it, things can come through. Some people, I don't trust but much of my experience has been very accurate. I've been guided in directions that I've needed to go and I've also been told some things that are very hard to hear. Yet this weekend when we were at the expo I was really looking for something light and easy and fun. I wanted to have fun with it. I wasn't on the quest for answers and the booth I chose was really worth it.

After getting some cash and booking a time I was able to sit with Beverly and have a Mystical Art Reading. She sat me down, we meditated together, she didn't ask me very many questions but got me to be calm, relaxed and asked me to silently ask for my spirit guides to be there with me and to help me with this process. It was hard because I found myself getting distracted by the voices around me, but I called to them in my mind. I think going in with an open mind, I really didn't know what to expect. However when the time came to reveal the painting, the first thing I saw was the two doves on top - an affirmation to me that my mother and grandmother came through and that this was a really good experience.

I didn't feel sadness. I only felt light and happy. Beverly kept telling me that I had good energy and even her husband was impressed by how clear the images were in my painting. Many animals came through - several bears, two moose, the two doves. I had a hindu goddess and a couple angels. It was fascinating to see them and it was amazing to see how much came through when you really looked at it.

The animals came as an indication of spirit guides. Native Americans have talked about the spirit guides for many generations, finding them in the stars, and in the flames. They viewed the spirit guides as an indication of where you are and what you need to do to move forward. Beverly and John had books about the guides and what they meant and it was interesting to see that they were more of an affirmation of where I am in my life and where I need to go to move forward.

Oh sure, some of the figures and animals that Beverly saw didn't really show themselves to me, and sure I thought some of it was a little out there as a vision in the paint, but for the most part they were very clear. Leanne saw an elephant in my painting. It was so clear to her that she was amazed that both Beverly and I couldn't immediately see it.

It was fascinating, and I'm going to wait to let the paint dry completely before framing. I'll include a picture when I get a chance but for the meantime - here is a video from another show that pretty much explains everything. To find out more, visit Beverly's website: www.beverlystephan.com.

What a lovely way to burn

Already here we are 7 days into 2012 and I've been pretty busy. I've got an office area set up for me to let my mind run wild. In doing so, I've even gotten our new/used scanner working on the computer and have scanned a few images today to facebook. Oh what the hell, I'll include one or two in this post.

I'm so excited to have my own office space. Our house has felt like a home but I've felt fairly stifled in having an area to call my own. Now that I've commandered the spare room, I feel better about things. Let's face it, when we got this 3 bedroom house we were going to have a room for us, an office for James and a room for our babies. We've been here nearly 3 years and so far we've had less than a handful of people sleep in the room and it generally just sits empty without any action. Finally I decided, enough is enough. The baby thing isn't happening so let's make it something useful. I cannot tell you how good it feels having a sense of peace washing over me when I enter this room. It's amazing what a little space of your own can do to lift your spirits.

I was inspired by the colour scheme in this room I found on pinterest. I know I don't want to paint, but I'm pulling some of the blues into the room and will have pinches of hot pink and such. I think it's going to look pretty good. The walls are white, my desk is white and now I'm on the hunt for a good office chair. I don't want to spend an arm and a leg though. Even if I do hope to start using this room daily.

Why am I wanting to use the room daily?

Well I'm taking a course. Yes, a course. I signed up for a romance writing course through Conestoga College. It's funny when I mention it to be people because I tend to gauge their reaction. Let's face it, romance fiction is most people's dirty little secret. Even though I'm excited about it, I'm worried how people will look at me. I tell them I'm taking a creative writing course, to which I generally get a good response and then I clarify and say it's a romance writing course. I would say 90% of the people think it's great. Some have even told me that they are jealous because it's something they'd love to do and then there are the other 10% that tell me they can't understand it. Of course those people also don't understand writing and have never felt the passion that is involved in creating something you enjoy.

In cleaning my office I found some poems and essays and stories I had written years before - long before James. It isn't that I haven't written since meeting James, but I find since I've been with him my writing is more introspective rather than imaginative. I'm hoping this course helps me get back to my creativity.

In other news, I have decided to take up the challenge for #26in2012. If you don't remember, I did the #26in2011 challenge last year. The challenge has been taken up by people as a somewhat goal to read 26 books of your choosing in a given year. That's a book every two weeks. Some of my friends started out strong, some lost count and others just reached their goal. As far as I can tell, I was the only one to really blow out it out of the water with the high number I had. To see how much I read, go to my previous blog post: http://quirkycori.blogspot.com/2012/01/recap-of-26in2011.html

To keep me honest, I'm going to keep track of all the books in the sidebar of the blog. I know it doesn't really matter, but at least it holds me accountable to the record.

And so, with that you are basically caught up in my life. Now my pretties, leave a comment and tell me what's going on in your life? I'd love to hear from you. :)

(In case you are wondering about the picture in this post, it was taken at a photobooth back in 2007 with my then fiancee James, my old roommate Bridgit who I call my lil' sis, and her friend Wayne - good times were had that day for sure.)

Recap of #26in2011

I somehow read many more than my #26in2011 challenge. In case you weren't aware, at the start of January 2011, several people that I follow on twitter had decided to take up the challenge to read 26 books in the year. that would be an average of a book every two weeks. I had a lot of challenges against me, but my lust for reading and getting lost in a book was too powerful. I read over my 26 books in the summer. I tried doing a review of as many books as possible at the start of the year but then time got lost on me. And since we've started 2012, I figured I should take the opportunity to put all of them together in one list. A history of my book loving for a whole year.

• 41. The Walk - Richard Paul Evans
• 40. Any Man of Mine - Rachel Gibson
• 39, Tamed by a Laird - Amanda Scott
• 38. The Perfect Man - Sheila O'Flanagan
• 37. Book of the Dead - Patricia Cornwell
• 36. It Happened at Christmas - Penny Jordan, Helen Brooks & Carol Wood
• 35. Now & Then - Robert B. Parker
• 34. A Risk Worth Taking - Robin Pilcher
• 33. That Perfect Someone-Johanna Lindsey
• 32. Ya-Yas in Bloom - Rebecca Wells
• 31. The Cookie Club - Ann Pearlman
• 30. Straight Up - Deirdre Martin
• 29. The Pledge - Rob Kean
• 28. Lake News - Barbara Delinsky
• 27. Pink Slip - Rita Ciresi
• 26. Eat Pray Love - Elizabeth Gilbert
• 25. Outlander - Diana Gabaldon
• 24. The Overnight Socialite - Bridie Clark
• 23. Kings Daughter - Christie Dickason
• 22. Shadowy Horses - Susanna Kearsley
• 21. Maiden of Inverness - Arnette Lamb
• 20. Highland Barbarian - Hannah Howell
• 19. The Devil's Queen: A Novel of Catherine de Medici - Jeanne Kalogridis
• 18. The Castaways - Elin Hilderbrand
• 17. The Pact: A Love Story - Jodi Picoult
• 16. Trespass - Valerie Martin
• 15. Carolina Isle - Jude Deveraux
• 14. The Fabric of Sin - Phil Rickman
• 13. The Third Circle - Amanda Quick
• 12. Gardens of Delight - Erica James
• 11. Deeply Desperately - Heather Webber
• 10. Heartless - Alison Gaylin
• 09. The Secret - Julie Garwood
• 08. Hope in a Jar - Beth Harbison
• 07. Bitch Posse - Martha O'Connor
• 06. Found Wanting - Robert Goddard
• 05. Shadow Music - Julie Garwood
• 04. Winter Solstice - Rosamunde Pilcher
• 03. The Book of Lies - Brad Meltzer
• 02. The White Queen - Philippa Gregory
• 01. Ransom - Julie Garwood