I don't know how I did it.
How did I sit still for long enough to read as many books as I've read in 2012?
My goal was 26 books in 2012 - or #26in2012. I beat that in the summer time and kept on going. I've read on the couch, in the bath, at bedtime. I've read on the treadmill and while cycling at the gym. I've brought paperback and hardcover books or my ipad in the car and to the park. I've read everywhere! For Christmas my husband purchased a Kobo for his "reading homesizzler" and since receiving it I've read 3 novels on the incredibly light reading machine.
With only one full day left in the the year I am one book away from 60 books in 2012. 60. Wow. That's astounding. I'd love to start a new book, and I just might but I'm also thinking how nice it would be to round out my family tree with information that I have been able to gleam from our family books. That has become a really strong passion this year - finding out about my history and where I came from.
No matter what happens in the next day, I know that I've had a successful year.
Sunday 30 December 2012
Monday 12 November 2012
The Craziness that is November 2012
My life has been an absolute whirlwind lately and it doesn't look to be letting up any time soon. I have a to-do list that is several pages long, and that doesn't even count the one I have at work.
Everything has gotten so wild and it's only the beginning. In years gone by I've tried to get all my shopping done before November 15th so that I can beat the rush - get all that I need to get so that I can just chill out and enjoy the holidays.
Today is the day I book off in November that I use as my day to finish shopping - but I feel like I've only just begun. For the first time, I have no clue where to start and what to get. I also don't even have a good list to pass on for what I want.
Last year, after having lost my mom, I found that the holidays were something to look forward to. I looked towards the lights and the wonder and the joy of the holidays. This year I seem to be stuck behind the rest. I know it's only November 12th and most people won't start thinking about Christmas until at least December 1st, but I'm not most people. I'm usually organized and ready.
Yes, I did start shopping for the holidays back in August when we went to the states and checked out Bonner's Christmas Wonderland. It was wild and overwhelming. Looking back, it seems so fitting considering how I'm feeling now. Perhaps it was an indicator of things to come? Or perhaps it was showing me that sometimes your visions of how things should be, aren't always how they turn out.
The only Christmas related thing I can seem to focus on right now is the Ugly Sweater Society and the Santa Claus Parade this weekend. So excited to get the float together and to see the joy on our teams face as we get the sweaters on and the spirit up. Once that's done I can really focus on the rest of the fun of the holiday season.
Everything has gotten so wild and it's only the beginning. In years gone by I've tried to get all my shopping done before November 15th so that I can beat the rush - get all that I need to get so that I can just chill out and enjoy the holidays.
Today is the day I book off in November that I use as my day to finish shopping - but I feel like I've only just begun. For the first time, I have no clue where to start and what to get. I also don't even have a good list to pass on for what I want.
Last year, after having lost my mom, I found that the holidays were something to look forward to. I looked towards the lights and the wonder and the joy of the holidays. This year I seem to be stuck behind the rest. I know it's only November 12th and most people won't start thinking about Christmas until at least December 1st, but I'm not most people. I'm usually organized and ready.
Yes, I did start shopping for the holidays back in August when we went to the states and checked out Bonner's Christmas Wonderland. It was wild and overwhelming. Looking back, it seems so fitting considering how I'm feeling now. Perhaps it was an indicator of things to come? Or perhaps it was showing me that sometimes your visions of how things should be, aren't always how they turn out.
The only Christmas related thing I can seem to focus on right now is the Ugly Sweater Society and the Santa Claus Parade this weekend. So excited to get the float together and to see the joy on our teams face as we get the sweaters on and the spirit up. Once that's done I can really focus on the rest of the fun of the holiday season.
Sunday 22 July 2012
The Last Templar - Book Review
The book I most recently read is The Last Templar by Raymond Khoury and reading it I can completely understand how it made the New York Times Bestseller List.
Set in modern times with a glimpse back into the final days of the Knights Templar the book takes a strong look at the Templar Knights, Christianity as we know it and archaeology around the world. It's no secret that I love a book that has strong religious undercurrents, especially if the book involves relics of a long ago time and action packed scenes where everyone seems to be fighting to get the relic. In this case, the book talks about a lost Templar treasure, perhaps the most damning treasure the world has ever seen.
I read the book in rapt fascination. I was raised in a Christian household but by no means was my family religious. The bible and all the bible stories that were taught had always seemed to me as nice stories. They were trying to point us on a good moral path. I was never really comfortable with the opulence of the church and the more I learned and read, the more I never quite understood how the greed of so many in the church gave it so much more power over people.
My religious beliefs were always "We are all people under god." It has nothing do with our religion, our sexual orientation, the colour of our skin. We are all people. We all seem to worship one god, and I'm a strong believer that faith can heal wounds and bring us through times of sorrow. It's all about choices. It's all within us. This book brought that all back for me.
I was not shocked when reading the "About The Author" on the back of the book flap that Raymond Khoury was a screenwriter. The book was action packed, and I felt that I was right there with the characters, heart pumping, mind racing over all the possibilities and wondering how things were going to come around. I'm happy having done a little research to discover that they turned the book into a mini-series, something which I'd love to watch. I haven't felt this way about any of the books I've read recently, including 50 Shades which has rumors of a movie in the works. There is something about this book that I think will play very well on screen and I look forward to seeing if they can capture the intrigue and wonder that was brought to light on the pages of Mr. Khoury's novel.
Only one minor thing I noticed in the novel that I would've liked more of, but know that most male writers aren't so good at - description. The story was fast paced and quick moving, but there wasn't a lot of detailed description and knowing that Mr. Khoury is a screenwriter probably lends everything to that. In writing scripts you leave a lot of the description to your set design team.
It's a good book and I really do recommend it.
Tuesday 17 July 2012
It's getting Sexy up in Here
It's no secret that things have been getting all sexy in my world this summer. It all started with a teeny weeny crush on Thor after watching the movie with my husband. Then I go to a barbecue and discuss hot men with some fabulous ladies who inform me that "everyone needs a list." I have delicious thoughts about that list, and finally put it together in a blog. This much you know.
My Channing was great - he was the best part of the entire movie. Ladies - if you are like me, you'll like what you see and will be very happy with his performance. Matthew, just looked like he was supposed to - as a slightly washed up male stripper who has been usurped as the big dog in town. Now the Kid - this hot new guy that people were drooling over - he was bad. I didn't enjoy watching him and all I wanted was for him to shave and do something about his bad hair. I couldn't get past how bad it looked and frankly, it distracted from the story line.
Now onto 50 Shades. Everyone is talking about this book. You know it, I know it. And it seems that everyone is either reading it, or wanting to read it so that they know what everyone is talking about. Even guys I know are talking about it, although I don't think many of them are reading it. The book is erotica, and it's now main stream and it's drawn attention to some so-called alternatives to Vanilla Sex.
What you don't know, is that I have finally watched Magic Mike and I've also read all three books in the 50 Shades series.
That's a whole lot of sexy.
I was so stoked to go see Magic Mike. It had two of my favourite men to look at - Channing Tatum and Matthew McConaughey. Watching them didn't disappoint. The story line though... wasn't so good. It was really predictable and frankly, not sexy enough. I know they were trying and really, the dancing guys were hot, but the story really wasn't. It need more... oomph. And yes-it needed more sex appeal. I honestly can't believe they are making a sequel. How can they ever turn it into a second movie?
My Channing was great - he was the best part of the entire movie. Ladies - if you are like me, you'll like what you see and will be very happy with his performance. Matthew, just looked like he was supposed to - as a slightly washed up male stripper who has been usurped as the big dog in town. Now the Kid - this hot new guy that people were drooling over - he was bad. I didn't enjoy watching him and all I wanted was for him to shave and do something about his bad hair. I couldn't get past how bad it looked and frankly, it distracted from the story line.
I do recommend watching the movie though - but I think it's a rental. I know - hard to believe since I was so pumped about it, but I think I would've liked watching it at home with some of my girlfriends over going to the theatre and having someone kick my chair periodically throughout the movie. I think it would've been better if we could've cracked some jokes, ate some popcorn together and shared a few laughs at the right times. Even still - I loved that my friends Devon and Steph could come with me. (Thanks ladies!)
Now onto 50 Shades. Everyone is talking about this book. You know it, I know it. And it seems that everyone is either reading it, or wanting to read it so that they know what everyone is talking about. Even guys I know are talking about it, although I don't think many of them are reading it. The book is erotica, and it's now main stream and it's drawn attention to some so-called alternatives to Vanilla Sex.
Before reading the book, I was told some really awful things about it. I had heard that the writing wasn't very good and that there are certain aspects of the way things are described that are too repetitive. I had in my head that the book would be terrible and that I'd read the first and that would be that. The number of times I saw the words "My breath hitched" made me laugh and the sex which was so incredibly often that it was unbelievable. What I didn't expect was to actually want to know what happens to the characters.
Book one was an introduction. It introduces the characters and shows how they behave before they meet and begin to get to know each other. It ends abruptly and predictably, but I found that I wanted to read the second book.
I had heard that the second book was much better than the first. I think that was because the nature of the second book - where it's not all one-sided and where the main characters have some give and take and you see a more vulnerable side to Christian Grey. It was better and it was worth getting through.
The third book I found could've stopped on a few occasions as there seemed to be some natural breaks in the story. But I get it. I think I get it more than I expected. The books introduce a lifestyle that shows that no matter what your sexual preferences are, your "kinky-fuckery" if you will, as long as your partner is okay with it, it's okay. It also showed that once a couple is married, they may be more willing to be honest about their feelings and what they are looking for from each other.
I've always been pretty open about reading sexual things. I think this gives me a more broad view of what's out there and what I do like and what I don't. I don't need a contract, as they lay out in this book, but at the same time I think this is good to show the prudish people of the world what's out there. So yeah. Read the book. Open your eyes and try and get beyond the slightly juvenile writing and far fetched story line. You can do it. Go on now... I won't tell anyone :)
Wednesday 27 June 2012
The List
Recently me and the hubs found ourselves at a party at the beautiful Jenn Eades house (oh Aaron and Pete's house too but they are boys so I don't count them in on this post - sorry guys!)
At this backyard shindig, I had the pleasure of meeting a large group of Jenn's friends including some that she's known for decades. (And no Jenn, I don't say that to make you feel old - because there is no way that we are old if we have so much fun!)
The night started out with a huge but fabulous discussion about Magic Mike - a movie due out Friday that has definitely got my attention. Come on girls - you have to agree that it peaks your curiosity a little as well. Just think of it, a sexy Channing Tatum, Matthew McConaughey and a multitude of other hotties, slowly taking off their clothes. Oh yeah. It's certainly tantalizing.
All the hot talk about the hot men got people talking about their "List." I know they had lists on Friends and such, but the whole concept of actually having a list of my own hadn't really crossed my mind. I know what I like, but time changes so my list would change and evolve wouldn't it?
But here we were, a group of confident ladies discussing different celebrities that they considered good for their list. What was most amusing as well, was that many of their spouses had lists and they talked about them enough to know who was on each other's list. One of the girls even had a backup list, you know, in case one of her top guys needs to drop out for some reason.
The idea was so interesting, and hearing everyone's ideas was really eye-opening. It was very interesting to see that some of the women had ebbed and flowed, and some were still they would've had adolescent crushes or fantasies about.
I knew that I needed to make a list. Other than the person, or rather character on top, the rest of my list is in no particular order. And here it goes...
1. Thor. Mmmmmm Thor. Oh how you have completely filled my waking and sleeping dreams with your strength and sexiness. Oh I know that the actor looks really good as well, but there is something about a tall muscly guy with that perfect triangular shape - you know what I'm talking about girls - broad shoulders, down to a tapered waist. Hot Damn there is a reason you are my current number one. I cannot wait for more of the movies to come out. Hell, I want to watch the Thor movie, over and over again. If you haven't yet - I highly recommend checking this sexy beast out for yourselves!
2. Within the past 6 months, I've really grown an affinity for the sexy star of Magic Mike, Channing Tatum. Knowing that he used to be a stripper doesn't even phase me. I recently found out that he likes girls that are a little bigger, and since I am, it's even more reason to love this sexy man. There is something about his eyes, and yes, I do know that I'm old enough to have babysat him. that's why this is a dream list, not an actual list.
3. This hunk of burning love has been on my list since the 90's. I try to watch all his movies, without even realizing I'm doing it. I even like his stoner character in Dazed and Confused. In fact, I can still close my eyes and hear him saying "Alright, alright, alright," as only he can. He just exudes hotness, sexiness and man-oh-man his accent is completely droolworthy. Oh yes, I'm talking about Matthew McConaughey.
4. Another actor who got my attention and was in Dazed and Confused I was a little hesitant to add as in recent years, I haven't wanted to break up his gorgeous marriage. Ben Affleck is someone that I've had a soft spot for, for a very long time.
5. Mark Wahlberg. I'm not talking about the really bad haircut for the movie that is coming out. I'm talking about Mark Mark and the Funky Bunch and the years after where he was more of an actor than a rapper. But hot. Still really, incredibly hot. Yummy!
6. Shemar Moore. Now that is a beautiful man. I imagine his skin to be as soft as butter, his arms strong and a mischievous twinkle in his eye as he only has eyes for me. I loved him on Y&R and can honestly say that I think he wins hands down as the hottest actor to ever be on that show (Oh please bring back the real Uncle Malcolm!) He's also the hottest guy on Criminal Minds. Hot with a capital H!
7. Joshua Jackson. I loved him as Charlie on Mighty Ducks but not nearly as much as I loved him as Pacey on Dawson's Creek. He was everything I want in a man, smart, funny, sexy and mischievousness. Just how I like my man.
8. Jason Segel - now who doesn't like a funny sexy man? As Marshal on How I Met Your Mother, he's genius. In my head, he's exactly like the character. Lovable. Funny. Loyal and great in bed. :) I think if I met him we could be great friends.
And that folks, is my list. I wanted 10 but as it's taken me all freaking night to put this together, I think I'll leave it at 8. There is definitely a pattern, although Thor broke the mold (rightfully so - I mean who can be more perfect than the God of Thunder???) So... who's on yours? Don't be shy. We're all friends here. :)
At this backyard shindig, I had the pleasure of meeting a large group of Jenn's friends including some that she's known for decades. (And no Jenn, I don't say that to make you feel old - because there is no way that we are old if we have so much fun!)
The night started out with a huge but fabulous discussion about Magic Mike - a movie due out Friday that has definitely got my attention. Come on girls - you have to agree that it peaks your curiosity a little as well. Just think of it, a sexy Channing Tatum, Matthew McConaughey and a multitude of other hotties, slowly taking off their clothes. Oh yeah. It's certainly tantalizing.
All the hot talk about the hot men got people talking about their "List." I know they had lists on Friends and such, but the whole concept of actually having a list of my own hadn't really crossed my mind. I know what I like, but time changes so my list would change and evolve wouldn't it?
But here we were, a group of confident ladies discussing different celebrities that they considered good for their list. What was most amusing as well, was that many of their spouses had lists and they talked about them enough to know who was on each other's list. One of the girls even had a backup list, you know, in case one of her top guys needs to drop out for some reason.
The idea was so interesting, and hearing everyone's ideas was really eye-opening. It was very interesting to see that some of the women had ebbed and flowed, and some were still they would've had adolescent crushes or fantasies about.
I knew that I needed to make a list. Other than the person, or rather character on top, the rest of my list is in no particular order. And here it goes...
1. Thor. Mmmmmm Thor. Oh how you have completely filled my waking and sleeping dreams with your strength and sexiness. Oh I know that the actor looks really good as well, but there is something about a tall muscly guy with that perfect triangular shape - you know what I'm talking about girls - broad shoulders, down to a tapered waist. Hot Damn there is a reason you are my current number one. I cannot wait for more of the movies to come out. Hell, I want to watch the Thor movie, over and over again. If you haven't yet - I highly recommend checking this sexy beast out for yourselves!
2. Within the past 6 months, I've really grown an affinity for the sexy star of Magic Mike, Channing Tatum. Knowing that he used to be a stripper doesn't even phase me. I recently found out that he likes girls that are a little bigger, and since I am, it's even more reason to love this sexy man. There is something about his eyes, and yes, I do know that I'm old enough to have babysat him. that's why this is a dream list, not an actual list.
4. Another actor who got my attention and was in Dazed and Confused I was a little hesitant to add as in recent years, I haven't wanted to break up his gorgeous marriage. Ben Affleck is someone that I've had a soft spot for, for a very long time.
6. Shemar Moore. Now that is a beautiful man. I imagine his skin to be as soft as butter, his arms strong and a mischievous twinkle in his eye as he only has eyes for me. I loved him on Y&R and can honestly say that I think he wins hands down as the hottest actor to ever be on that show (Oh please bring back the real Uncle Malcolm!) He's also the hottest guy on Criminal Minds. Hot with a capital H!
And that folks, is my list. I wanted 10 but as it's taken me all freaking night to put this together, I think I'll leave it at 8. There is definitely a pattern, although Thor broke the mold (rightfully so - I mean who can be more perfect than the God of Thunder???) So... who's on yours? Don't be shy. We're all friends here. :)
Saturday 16 June 2012
Hand me Downs
Growing up as the youngest of 4 kids - 3 of them girls, I got my fair share of hand me downs. Sweaters, pants, shorts, shoes - nearly all of my wardrobe used to belong to someone else. Even the dress I wore to my grade 8 grad was a hand me down from my sister - do you honestly think I would've worn a pink dress with ruffles and a big floppy pink bow? I like to think it looked really good on me, but I know that if I were given an option the pink bow would've been kiboshed.
On Friday, one of my coworkers gave me some hand-me downs. She had some pyjama pants that she had never worn, a dress top she only wore once and swore never to wear again and some jeans that for whatever reason she never wore - might be the sparkles on them. I was a little hesitant at first. It's been a really long time since anyone has handed me down their cast offs and I wasn't sure they'd fit me, let alone be something that I'd want to wear.
The first thing I tried on was the pyjama pants. They are funky colours, have polka dots and stripes and I had already decided that if they didn't fit/work that I'd be turning them into something crafty and fun. Success - they fit! I'm still contemplating turning one of them into some sort of fabric necklace or fabric flower or something (thank you Pinterest for making me look at everything in a completely different way!)
The second item was the jeans. They are black and a little long, and are actually a little bit big but they are really pretty. I figure until I feel like hemming, I'll be rolling them up all big and 60s style with a wide cuff. I'm a little crazy like that.
The third item was the pretty top that I had immediately looked at and realized was completely not my co-worker's style. It had ruffles and was a very thin gauze-type fabric that you could see through. The fabric was mostly white but had almost a floral pattern of black, grey and dusty rose. My coworker is more of an Ozzy fan, so the fact she had owned this shirt and worn it once was a bit amazing. As soon as I put this shirt on it was like it was completely meant for me. I own lots of tank tops (gotta hide my gigantic mammories somehow) so it was no issue to think that I have white, black and grey that could go underneath. The tones look really good with my skin even and made it look like I had a slight tan. I was so happy that I kept the shirt on all day long and received many compliments.
Sometimes a hand me down is just a wonderful gift that we can give another person. In a way, I can count my coworker as one of my sisters now. Now I only have to figure out how to repay the favour. :)
On Friday, one of my coworkers gave me some hand-me downs. She had some pyjama pants that she had never worn, a dress top she only wore once and swore never to wear again and some jeans that for whatever reason she never wore - might be the sparkles on them. I was a little hesitant at first. It's been a really long time since anyone has handed me down their cast offs and I wasn't sure they'd fit me, let alone be something that I'd want to wear.
The first thing I tried on was the pyjama pants. They are funky colours, have polka dots and stripes and I had already decided that if they didn't fit/work that I'd be turning them into something crafty and fun. Success - they fit! I'm still contemplating turning one of them into some sort of fabric necklace or fabric flower or something (thank you Pinterest for making me look at everything in a completely different way!)
The second item was the jeans. They are black and a little long, and are actually a little bit big but they are really pretty. I figure until I feel like hemming, I'll be rolling them up all big and 60s style with a wide cuff. I'm a little crazy like that.
The third item was the pretty top that I had immediately looked at and realized was completely not my co-worker's style. It had ruffles and was a very thin gauze-type fabric that you could see through. The fabric was mostly white but had almost a floral pattern of black, grey and dusty rose. My coworker is more of an Ozzy fan, so the fact she had owned this shirt and worn it once was a bit amazing. As soon as I put this shirt on it was like it was completely meant for me. I own lots of tank tops (gotta hide my gigantic mammories somehow) so it was no issue to think that I have white, black and grey that could go underneath. The tones look really good with my skin even and made it look like I had a slight tan. I was so happy that I kept the shirt on all day long and received many compliments.
Sometimes a hand me down is just a wonderful gift that we can give another person. In a way, I can count my coworker as one of my sisters now. Now I only have to figure out how to repay the favour. :)
Saturday 21 April 2012
My jumbled brain
Sometimes an idea for a blog will hit me at the craziest times and when it comes time to sit down and actually do it, I find myself completely lost as to where to start.
The other day I was driving to my sisters from work and looked out across a country field and was overwhelmed with the need to write a blog about an adventure I took while working for the Cambridge Reporter back in the day. I was so set and determined that I would write the blog and post the awesome pictures.
Then life happened.
Life keeps happening all around me and it is amazing and wonderful, sad and painful. My friends and family members continue to have gorgeous babies, plan wonderful weddings, give their hearts to the world around them and their time and their money. It's wonderful and joyous and fantastic.
And when I look around, I just feel like I'm treading water sometimes. Going through the motions every single day. Not really getting anywhere, but not really being left behind either. I'm just here and the days just keep going on. Day turns to night, night turns to day. My ideas float around and then disappear. Sometimes I make something of them. Sometimes I don't but I find it interesting the way my mind works. They way it constantly weaves and sways backwards and forwards. Sometimes it's overwhelmed, sometimes it's completely in charge.
A few weeks ago I was at my dad's house and we were talking about the past and the future but not really about today. (I think it's something that people who have experienced loss are very good at doing.) He was giving me some of my mom's rings, as we are finally dealing with her will, and we were looking through some stuff in the office. He looked at his large bookshelf of photographs and confirmed again that I wanted his photo albums in which I instantly said yes. There is something so wonderful about having the memories all captured together in an album and having my father's words underneath explaining what was happening and the funny story involved. I realize that pictures on a computer screen can never capture that same moment. You don't get the emotion and they are cold.
I began to realize that there moments in my life that on the screen would just seem cold and empty. I looked at some of our wonderful parties we've had over the years and realized that wouldn't it be great to immortalize them into a book. I created a book with some of our wedding photos for my husband for one of our many wedding anniversaries and I love looking at it. Why can't I do that with other wonderful moments?
And so I want to create a book for the Beer Olympics. The big party that I hosted and helped organize for all my friends back in 2008. The pictures for some reason are no longer showing up on the site, but it's still there in essence. I know that I've had some requests to bring it down now that we've gotten older and some of us have become more concerned about our names and images being accessible to employers and the world. It made me begin to feel that it's time to immortalize those memories and images after I'm gone.
I have also been toying with the idea of putting together a memory cookbook of my mom. I needed a recipe around thanksgiving, which was a few weeks after my mom had passed, and I ended up finding all these wonderful recipe cards that she had hand written. Some on scraps of paper with notes as to who she got them from and when. I think it'd be fantastic to put them together with pictures of her so that we have them for all time. I also think it'd be the best gift I can give my siblings to keep and cherish of my mom.
I know that all of this is mourning work. We've been talking in my Coping group about the difference between grieving, which is the feelings we hold inside and don't show anyone and mourning which is the outward manifestation of those feelings. Looking at pictures, sharing stories, crying, all of these are outward and visible and are all part of the process. There is nothing wrong with them and I find great comfort in them all. I feel like she's with me.
This week in session was a hard one. We talked about the moment it happened, when we found out and who was immediately there afterwards. I mentioned how my mom passed and how my aunt who recently passed away was a great comfort to me. She put her arms around me for a big hug and she whispered in my ear to tell me that my mom loved me. In that moment I was filled with so much warmth. I can't even begin to describe it. When my aunt passed a few weeks ago, I found that I had to do the same for her kids. I don't know if they felt the same warmth that I did, but I knew it was an important thing to do. Recalling that story made me cry, and it's making me cry now, but that's good. I need to cry sometimes.
In a way, this blog is also part of my mourning work. It allows me to get my feelings out into the world so that you can see what I'm going through. Some people think I should be all better now and back to my happy go lucky self. Some people have never lost someone that meant so much to them and so they never understand that the feelings linger and that they sometimes manifest themselves in different ways. I'm learning through my group that it's okay if I'm not ready to be around certain people. That it's okay if I change a bit and that it's okay if I don't ever go back to the person that people thought I was before.
One thing that has really been bothering me is the way that some people look to me to be this wild and crazy party person. They expect me to be full of life and joy when out in large groups. They don't know the other me. The one who only feels comfortable and secure with people she knows. They don't know that it takes me 3 days to recover from being in a large group. They have no idea that in reality I'm introverted and that sometimes it's very difficult for me to talk to new people. Sure I can be loud sometimes and I can get rowdy, but only when I'm truly comfortable and feel in control. If I don't have that control, I don't act recklessly.
In many ways, I feel for my husband. He doesn't quite understand, even though he's introverted too. He has found an outlet every week at karaoke. He feels comfortable, included and part of the crowd. He joins in and sings. He laughs and has a great time. Every week he comes home and tells me how I would really love it and whenever music is on he tells me that I should sing this song or that. He doesn't know how it feels to be completely overwhelmed sometimes by the large group and how it actually hurts inside to think of going up on the stage. I know that the one time I went there were a large amount of people there I didn't know. Everyone was welcoming but I still felt on the outside looking in, like I didn't belong. It's still nice to know that people ask about me when I'm not there, but they don't realize how hard it would be for me and how that one night of going would probably make me want to stay inside for a week.
Sometimes, I will go places where there is a smaller crowd. And sometimes I will still come out of my little shell and talk to people. But it isn't where I'm comfortable. This is my "new normal" as we keep talking about in my group. I feel comfortable there. Everyone has experienced loss. They've all had the heartache that continues to plague me. They've all had moments where they've forgotten where they started and where they were going. They've all been stopped dead in their tracks realizing that what they were about to do wasn't going to work because the person they were going to do it for, or that they were trying to contact is no longer there.
Loss is hard.
And it's jumbled my brain.
This weekend I want to celebrate life. In the only jumbled way I know how, with cherished friends and family, and by myself. I feel that for the first time since my mom passed I should really follow through with the promises that I've been wanting to keep.
The other day I was driving to my sisters from work and looked out across a country field and was overwhelmed with the need to write a blog about an adventure I took while working for the Cambridge Reporter back in the day. I was so set and determined that I would write the blog and post the awesome pictures.
Then life happened.
Life keeps happening all around me and it is amazing and wonderful, sad and painful. My friends and family members continue to have gorgeous babies, plan wonderful weddings, give their hearts to the world around them and their time and their money. It's wonderful and joyous and fantastic.
And when I look around, I just feel like I'm treading water sometimes. Going through the motions every single day. Not really getting anywhere, but not really being left behind either. I'm just here and the days just keep going on. Day turns to night, night turns to day. My ideas float around and then disappear. Sometimes I make something of them. Sometimes I don't but I find it interesting the way my mind works. They way it constantly weaves and sways backwards and forwards. Sometimes it's overwhelmed, sometimes it's completely in charge.
A few weeks ago I was at my dad's house and we were talking about the past and the future but not really about today. (I think it's something that people who have experienced loss are very good at doing.) He was giving me some of my mom's rings, as we are finally dealing with her will, and we were looking through some stuff in the office. He looked at his large bookshelf of photographs and confirmed again that I wanted his photo albums in which I instantly said yes. There is something so wonderful about having the memories all captured together in an album and having my father's words underneath explaining what was happening and the funny story involved. I realize that pictures on a computer screen can never capture that same moment. You don't get the emotion and they are cold.
I began to realize that there moments in my life that on the screen would just seem cold and empty. I looked at some of our wonderful parties we've had over the years and realized that wouldn't it be great to immortalize them into a book. I created a book with some of our wedding photos for my husband for one of our many wedding anniversaries and I love looking at it. Why can't I do that with other wonderful moments?
And so I want to create a book for the Beer Olympics. The big party that I hosted and helped organize for all my friends back in 2008. The pictures for some reason are no longer showing up on the site, but it's still there in essence. I know that I've had some requests to bring it down now that we've gotten older and some of us have become more concerned about our names and images being accessible to employers and the world. It made me begin to feel that it's time to immortalize those memories and images after I'm gone.
I have also been toying with the idea of putting together a memory cookbook of my mom. I needed a recipe around thanksgiving, which was a few weeks after my mom had passed, and I ended up finding all these wonderful recipe cards that she had hand written. Some on scraps of paper with notes as to who she got them from and when. I think it'd be fantastic to put them together with pictures of her so that we have them for all time. I also think it'd be the best gift I can give my siblings to keep and cherish of my mom.
I know that all of this is mourning work. We've been talking in my Coping group about the difference between grieving, which is the feelings we hold inside and don't show anyone and mourning which is the outward manifestation of those feelings. Looking at pictures, sharing stories, crying, all of these are outward and visible and are all part of the process. There is nothing wrong with them and I find great comfort in them all. I feel like she's with me.
This week in session was a hard one. We talked about the moment it happened, when we found out and who was immediately there afterwards. I mentioned how my mom passed and how my aunt who recently passed away was a great comfort to me. She put her arms around me for a big hug and she whispered in my ear to tell me that my mom loved me. In that moment I was filled with so much warmth. I can't even begin to describe it. When my aunt passed a few weeks ago, I found that I had to do the same for her kids. I don't know if they felt the same warmth that I did, but I knew it was an important thing to do. Recalling that story made me cry, and it's making me cry now, but that's good. I need to cry sometimes.
In a way, this blog is also part of my mourning work. It allows me to get my feelings out into the world so that you can see what I'm going through. Some people think I should be all better now and back to my happy go lucky self. Some people have never lost someone that meant so much to them and so they never understand that the feelings linger and that they sometimes manifest themselves in different ways. I'm learning through my group that it's okay if I'm not ready to be around certain people. That it's okay if I change a bit and that it's okay if I don't ever go back to the person that people thought I was before.
One thing that has really been bothering me is the way that some people look to me to be this wild and crazy party person. They expect me to be full of life and joy when out in large groups. They don't know the other me. The one who only feels comfortable and secure with people she knows. They don't know that it takes me 3 days to recover from being in a large group. They have no idea that in reality I'm introverted and that sometimes it's very difficult for me to talk to new people. Sure I can be loud sometimes and I can get rowdy, but only when I'm truly comfortable and feel in control. If I don't have that control, I don't act recklessly.
In many ways, I feel for my husband. He doesn't quite understand, even though he's introverted too. He has found an outlet every week at karaoke. He feels comfortable, included and part of the crowd. He joins in and sings. He laughs and has a great time. Every week he comes home and tells me how I would really love it and whenever music is on he tells me that I should sing this song or that. He doesn't know how it feels to be completely overwhelmed sometimes by the large group and how it actually hurts inside to think of going up on the stage. I know that the one time I went there were a large amount of people there I didn't know. Everyone was welcoming but I still felt on the outside looking in, like I didn't belong. It's still nice to know that people ask about me when I'm not there, but they don't realize how hard it would be for me and how that one night of going would probably make me want to stay inside for a week.
Sometimes, I will go places where there is a smaller crowd. And sometimes I will still come out of my little shell and talk to people. But it isn't where I'm comfortable. This is my "new normal" as we keep talking about in my group. I feel comfortable there. Everyone has experienced loss. They've all had the heartache that continues to plague me. They've all had moments where they've forgotten where they started and where they were going. They've all been stopped dead in their tracks realizing that what they were about to do wasn't going to work because the person they were going to do it for, or that they were trying to contact is no longer there.
Loss is hard.
And it's jumbled my brain.
This weekend I want to celebrate life. In the only jumbled way I know how, with cherished friends and family, and by myself. I feel that for the first time since my mom passed I should really follow through with the promises that I've been wanting to keep.
Monday 9 April 2012
Quick Update
I have a few blogs in my mind but until my final assignment is handed in Sunday I think it's not fair to finish them.
Sunday. Eek! How could the past 4 months gone so quickly? Last week I had to hand in a synopsis of my entire book from start to finish. Considering I hadn't even written it all yet this was no easy feat. Luckily I had my husband around long enough to sit with me while I agonized over it sitting in a Pizza Hut just hours before it was due.
I also started out at the Coping Centre last week. As you may already know, I've experienced a lot of loss over the past 14 months. My uncle passed away after a 7 year battle with liver cancer last February, my mom was diagnosed in May of Stage 4 cancer and passed away in September with my dog going two weeks after. A few weeks ago I also lost one of my favourite Aunts. There have been other losses over the past year and a bit and it's made life a little difficult for me. I'm not just the same happy go lucky person that I once was and I'm hoping this group can help me cope with everything.
A few weeks ago I stayed at a fabulous B&B in Stratford called the Blue Spruce on Erie. I have a big ol' blog post written about that in my brain that I still need to flesh out. Before I have a chance, please take my word for it that it's a great place to stay that's not too far from downtown.
While in Stratford I went to check out some dogs as me and the hubs have decided we are ready to find a dog perfect for us. While at the Humane Society they let me walk one of the dogs, a very sweet girl named Chanel, but halfway down the stairs I ended up going down with a really bad sprain. Or I hope it's a sprain. I need to get an xray this week (somehow at some point.)
This week I have 4 family birthdays and the potential birth of two babies that I'm planning on loving like my own. My bestie Devon is having a c-section on Friday and my sister-in-law is due on Tuesday but the baby could come any time. Heck, she could be in labour right this minute and we wouldn't know because of the fact that they don't allow cell phones. So I'll be rooting for them all week. I also have a wedding shower out of town on Sunday afternoon.
All this craziness means that I have zero time to do all the thousands of things I want to do, and I need to instead spend every waking minute working on the first 20 pages of my novel along with a letter to a publisher where I'd like to market my book to. Tonight I've set the ground work on the publisher, again. I had done work at the start of the course but now that I'm writing I feel that perhaps a different publishing house might be more suited to my work.
So yeah. That's as much of an update as I have time for right now. I'll have a bit more time to breath next Monday night but until then - it's nose to the grindstone! Wish me luck!
Sunday. Eek! How could the past 4 months gone so quickly? Last week I had to hand in a synopsis of my entire book from start to finish. Considering I hadn't even written it all yet this was no easy feat. Luckily I had my husband around long enough to sit with me while I agonized over it sitting in a Pizza Hut just hours before it was due.
I also started out at the Coping Centre last week. As you may already know, I've experienced a lot of loss over the past 14 months. My uncle passed away after a 7 year battle with liver cancer last February, my mom was diagnosed in May of Stage 4 cancer and passed away in September with my dog going two weeks after. A few weeks ago I also lost one of my favourite Aunts. There have been other losses over the past year and a bit and it's made life a little difficult for me. I'm not just the same happy go lucky person that I once was and I'm hoping this group can help me cope with everything.
A few weeks ago I stayed at a fabulous B&B in Stratford called the Blue Spruce on Erie. I have a big ol' blog post written about that in my brain that I still need to flesh out. Before I have a chance, please take my word for it that it's a great place to stay that's not too far from downtown.
While in Stratford I went to check out some dogs as me and the hubs have decided we are ready to find a dog perfect for us. While at the Humane Society they let me walk one of the dogs, a very sweet girl named Chanel, but halfway down the stairs I ended up going down with a really bad sprain. Or I hope it's a sprain. I need to get an xray this week (somehow at some point.)
This week I have 4 family birthdays and the potential birth of two babies that I'm planning on loving like my own. My bestie Devon is having a c-section on Friday and my sister-in-law is due on Tuesday but the baby could come any time. Heck, she could be in labour right this minute and we wouldn't know because of the fact that they don't allow cell phones. So I'll be rooting for them all week. I also have a wedding shower out of town on Sunday afternoon.
All this craziness means that I have zero time to do all the thousands of things I want to do, and I need to instead spend every waking minute working on the first 20 pages of my novel along with a letter to a publisher where I'd like to market my book to. Tonight I've set the ground work on the publisher, again. I had done work at the start of the course but now that I'm writing I feel that perhaps a different publishing house might be more suited to my work.
So yeah. That's as much of an update as I have time for right now. I'll have a bit more time to breath next Monday night but until then - it's nose to the grindstone! Wish me luck!
Tuesday 13 March 2012
Harlequin's not so secret secret
I need to let you all in on a dirty little secret.
You can read Harlequin books online.
For Free.
It's crazy I know. But you should check it out.
http://www.harlequin.com/articlelist.html?activeTab=READ
It's given me all sorts of quick reads the past week since my instructor turned me onto it. Might reach my 26 in 52 after all!
You can read Harlequin books online.
For Free.
It's crazy I know. But you should check it out.
http://www.harlequin.com/articlelist.html?activeTab=READ
It's given me all sorts of quick reads the past week since my instructor turned me onto it. Might reach my 26 in 52 after all!
Sunday 11 March 2012
My garden today
I'm about to head out into my garden for the first time this year and I know it's only March 11th.
Where did winter go?
We certainly didn't get a winter here in southern Ontario. It came and went so quickly that it's amazed we had any show at all. It came and hit with a force and then melted within days. I can't help wondering whether the predictions in that lovely movie Al Gore made called "An Inconvenient Truth" might actually come true. It talked about how with the way the earth was headed we were going to get temperature extremes and faster, more severe storms. There would be an increase in everything.
I also wonder if this was brought on by that earth quake last year that shifted the earth on it's axis.
Either way, it's the middle of march and I could probably go outside and start planting. I'd love to but I think it's much more important for me to do some cleaning first.
As I mentioned in my last post, I have a lot of dreams for this year's garden. I hope that I can have something that I'm proud of. I guess I'll just have to go off my quote for this week:
Where did winter go?
We certainly didn't get a winter here in southern Ontario. It came and went so quickly that it's amazed we had any show at all. It came and hit with a force and then melted within days. I can't help wondering whether the predictions in that lovely movie Al Gore made called "An Inconvenient Truth" might actually come true. It talked about how with the way the earth was headed we were going to get temperature extremes and faster, more severe storms. There would be an increase in everything.
I also wonder if this was brought on by that earth quake last year that shifted the earth on it's axis.
Either way, it's the middle of march and I could probably go outside and start planting. I'd love to but I think it's much more important for me to do some cleaning first.
As I mentioned in my last post, I have a lot of dreams for this year's garden. I hope that I can have something that I'm proud of. I guess I'll just have to go off my quote for this week:
"Dreams don't work unless you do."And with that - I'm off to clean up the mess that was left from last year. I'm off to try and get it all pretty and ready for planting in a few weeks. This means getting rid of dirty pots and digging up roots I should've already removed in the fall. At least the sun is shining.
Saturday 4 February 2012
Exercising with Jenny McCarthy
I did something I very rarely do last night - I went into a video game store.
Yes me. And no, my husband didn't bring me kicking and screaming.
He was on the hunt for some game, I think a racing game or something. He never plays with the games he has now so I wasn't entirely sure what the sudden pull was. We had nothing going on, I was having a very down day so I really didn't care what we did as long as it wasn't wallowing in the sad funk that I found myself in on my drive home yesterday.
Anyhow, enough about that.
We went to the EB Games near our house and immediately upon entering I found an end of rack area set up with fitness games. I've been talking about how I wanted to start getting fit using the Wii for awhile now, but my lazy arse couldn't be bothered to put in any batteries into the balance board so it's just sat there taunting me for a few months. Okay, maybe it hasn't been taunting me. It is hidden behind the laundry and so therefore I did shut it up quite good.
Back to the games. There were a few that I was interested in.
#1 - an MMA Fighter fitness game that was all about punching and kicks and stuff to kick your ass into shape. It had this handy little contraption that wrapped around your leg and was connected to controllers so that it was able to track your movements.
#2 - A Zumba fitness game that had you dancing and shaking your way into fitness. I was very intrigued as I've heard nothing but positive things about Zumba and about how much fun people have. This game would've been cool, but it came with a belt that I could tell would fit around my fat leg and not my fat stomach as they showed on the box. It was built for smaller girls, not for big girls like me, so I ruled it out.
#3 - A game that features a video camera that is mounted to the game where they actually can see you and your progress. You don't have to stand on anything and you can be any size fat ass that you are in order to start. Jenny McCarthy acts as your personal trainer, or at least her digitized cartoon version is. Per the box it says "Fitness that's fun and focused on you."
Intrigued by all of them I called over my hubby. He told me "If you want it, go ahead," and then proceeded to leave me alone to fight over the differences. As you can tell by the title of my blog, the one I chose was #3.
Your Shape featuring Jenny McCarthy
I brought it home, put on my workout gear (minus the sneakers), got the camera set up and prepared to get started. No time like the present right? There were some minor glitches with the camera - the angle it was focused on, that I was wearing black pants and the camera couldn't differentiate between my legs and the bedspread behind me because they were both dark, but we worked through them and I found that I actually felt good from the work out.
Of course I ended up doing extra because I screwed up in the beginning and had the absolute wrong weight set in the system for me and there was no way to correct this once you got past the initial run - which is a big glitch in the game in my opinion. But other than that, I really felt the game lived up to what it said. Because they could see my movements, they were able to tell me what I did wrong, which was a nice feature. Next time, I'm going to wear sneakers though because push ups on a carpet with socks on are very difficult.
So essentially what I'm saying is, thank you Jenny McCarthy for making it possible for fat asses like me to get up and do some exercise. I look forward to working out with you again.
Yes me. And no, my husband didn't bring me kicking and screaming.
He was on the hunt for some game, I think a racing game or something. He never plays with the games he has now so I wasn't entirely sure what the sudden pull was. We had nothing going on, I was having a very down day so I really didn't care what we did as long as it wasn't wallowing in the sad funk that I found myself in on my drive home yesterday.
Anyhow, enough about that.
We went to the EB Games near our house and immediately upon entering I found an end of rack area set up with fitness games. I've been talking about how I wanted to start getting fit using the Wii for awhile now, but my lazy arse couldn't be bothered to put in any batteries into the balance board so it's just sat there taunting me for a few months. Okay, maybe it hasn't been taunting me. It is hidden behind the laundry and so therefore I did shut it up quite good.
Back to the games. There were a few that I was interested in.
#1 - an MMA Fighter fitness game that was all about punching and kicks and stuff to kick your ass into shape. It had this handy little contraption that wrapped around your leg and was connected to controllers so that it was able to track your movements.
#2 - A Zumba fitness game that had you dancing and shaking your way into fitness. I was very intrigued as I've heard nothing but positive things about Zumba and about how much fun people have. This game would've been cool, but it came with a belt that I could tell would fit around my fat leg and not my fat stomach as they showed on the box. It was built for smaller girls, not for big girls like me, so I ruled it out.
#3 - A game that features a video camera that is mounted to the game where they actually can see you and your progress. You don't have to stand on anything and you can be any size fat ass that you are in order to start. Jenny McCarthy acts as your personal trainer, or at least her digitized cartoon version is. Per the box it says "Fitness that's fun and focused on you."
Intrigued by all of them I called over my hubby. He told me "If you want it, go ahead," and then proceeded to leave me alone to fight over the differences. As you can tell by the title of my blog, the one I chose was #3.Your Shape featuring Jenny McCarthy
I brought it home, put on my workout gear (minus the sneakers), got the camera set up and prepared to get started. No time like the present right? There were some minor glitches with the camera - the angle it was focused on, that I was wearing black pants and the camera couldn't differentiate between my legs and the bedspread behind me because they were both dark, but we worked through them and I found that I actually felt good from the work out.
Of course I ended up doing extra because I screwed up in the beginning and had the absolute wrong weight set in the system for me and there was no way to correct this once you got past the initial run - which is a big glitch in the game in my opinion. But other than that, I really felt the game lived up to what it said. Because they could see my movements, they were able to tell me what I did wrong, which was a nice feature. Next time, I'm going to wear sneakers though because push ups on a carpet with socks on are very difficult.
So essentially what I'm saying is, thank you Jenny McCarthy for making it possible for fat asses like me to get up and do some exercise. I look forward to working out with you again.
Tuesday 24 January 2012
Tearjerker
Today I find myself reminded of my mom.
Today would be her birthday.
I still find it incredibly difficult to imagine that she's gone. That we aren't going to get a phone call. That she won't be there when we pop in for a visit. That she isn't going to walk around the corner. That she won't tell me my hair is getting grey and I need to dye it. We won't hear her criticism and we won't hear her praise.
My mom was a very important aspect of my life. It pains me, today of all days, to think that I no longer have her in my life.
And I know I've said it before, she's still in my heart and in my memories. And I can try and live in her image. But not having her here really hurts today.
Mom, I miss you. I miss all that you are about and all that you were. I miss your smile. I miss your laughter. I miss your uniquely coloured eyes and you twirling your hair.
I miss you.
Today would be her birthday.
I still find it incredibly difficult to imagine that she's gone. That we aren't going to get a phone call. That she won't be there when we pop in for a visit. That she isn't going to walk around the corner. That she won't tell me my hair is getting grey and I need to dye it. We won't hear her criticism and we won't hear her praise.
My mom was a very important aspect of my life. It pains me, today of all days, to think that I no longer have her in my life.
And I know I've said it before, she's still in my heart and in my memories. And I can try and live in her image. But not having her here really hurts today.
Mom, I miss you. I miss all that you are about and all that you were. I miss your smile. I miss your laughter. I miss your uniquely coloured eyes and you twirling your hair.
I miss you.
Saturday 21 January 2012
Best Friends 4 Ever....
I spent this morning with my best friends and I was reminded again how having multiple best friends is better than only having one best friend.
It is great having a best friend. Do not get me wrong, having a single best friend can be great. But it can also be incredibly hard work. Over the years I've had many times where I only had one best friend, but in those times I found that I always felt guilty doing anything with other friends. I felt like my best friend would feel completely left out if I didn't do everything with them.
And then there came the not knowing how much time is too much time to spend together. And how often do we need to talk for us to still be best friends.
My husband has accused me of making friends too easily sometimes. This has bothered some of my former best friends. They didn't generally have the same experience and would feel that I wasn't being true to their friendship because they felt they were being left out.
Having 4 best friends right now, plus my husband who is I suppose my true best friend, means that they all know about each other. They don't get mad when I spend time doing something with the other and they can hang out together without me. We all have different relationships with each other, and I'm sure some of them don't even count the other as a best friend. But they are best friends to me.
In 2011 I lived through one of the most heartbreaking and difficult times of my life. My best friends were all there for me. They brought me wine and food. They sat with me while I tried to rationalize what was going on in my head. They silently encouraged me and checked in on me to make sure that I was okay. And they were there for me in ways that I don't even think they knew about.
Their stories and adventures kept me going. Their willingness to take me out of my shell and to get me laughing even when I didn't want to, all meant so much for me. It was a simple twitter message. A simple posting of a picture on facebook. It was fairly regular emails. It was cheesecake on a patio. It was a glass of wine, a cooler full of food and a glass of wine.
I kind of closed myself off last year. But my friends didn't care. They were still there for me. If I needed them, they'd be there. They were there in the days, weeks and months of my mom's dying. They were with me in the days, weeks and months afterwards. They have been there for me and I hope that I have been able to let them understand how important that has been to me.
Having a singular best friend is a great thing. But many is an even better thing, and I'm incredibly lucky because I've got the absolute best of them. Friendships that just get better as we age and as we experience more and more together. Like a fine wine, my friends just get better with age.
Saturday 14 January 2012
Writing again
I'm writing again. Eeek!
As many of you know, I've signed up for a creative writing course on Romantic Writing. We can't completely call it a genre, as when you start to look into it further you realize there are so many different variations and lengths of stories involved. For a better idea - Harlequin has much of it broken down here: http://www.harlequin.com/articlepage.html?articleId=538&chapter=0
Friday was my first day of the course. I've been chomping at the bit to get in there and find out what it's all about. I have never done online learning, so I'm not 100% what to expect, but when I logged on I found things to be fairly straight forward. It was the first week and we already had a discussion topic that they've asked all of us to answer. The instructor basically wanted us to tell them who we are, where we came from and what brought us to the course. And then they asked us to tell what we like about romance writing as a reader.
Fairly straight forward right?
Not for me.
I over-analyze everything. Odd, since when I write it's basically verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth. (or written diarrhea as the case may be.) I started to put some things down and then realized that when I went back to the site, that other people in the course had written something already. It's interesting that we are able to see each others writing, but I know this is to generate discussion and not for assignments. (Even if it's worth 10% of our final grade in the course.)
With incredible apprehension I decided to check out what was written. I found that the people there seemed pretty genuine, but so different than me. It seemed they had only read the question at the top of the page and none of the other content on the site and then wrote a little blurb. There were spelling and grammar mistakes - something that I would think anyone taking a writing course would do their best to avoid. I tried not to judge, but it was hard not to. These are people that I feel I'm going to be compared to for the entire duration of the program - 4 months of us going against each other for assignments and grades.
Okay, let's be honest, I'm a bit of a nerd. I did really well in any of my English courses in school and I've always loved writing. Therefore I was very surprised by the responses to the questions. I thought everyone would be as thorough as I was planning to be - that everyone would go into detail to answer all of the questions. Instead it was more informal and natural.
The instructor had already answered 3 of the submissions that were in before the end of business today and she seemed very friendly and welcoming to all of them. I felt a little stumped. Here I was having to write something and slowly realizing that I was in this program for some slightly different reasons than the other people were - two were just taking courses because they like to write and are waiting for the next phase of their education, and one was taking the course so that she can help build on how to write relationships-but she had already completed a full novel.
I felt that in many respects, I was light years ahead and yet also completely behind. I've been published, something the three others had not really been. I used to work at a newspaper. But as anyone who has worked in the industry can tell you, being a journalist and being a fiction writer are two very different beasts. One tells the facts and the other is creative and often lives in a fantasy world.
And so I decided that this was where I was going to start.
And it was with that, that I started to do more research into romance writing. It was then that I started to see that there was more than just writing about heaving bossums and strong male leads, although if that's what you are into writing you can. I realized that there is a very strong place for me in romantic fiction and within a few hours, ideas came to my mind. I started writing some things down and then ultimately turned it into the beginnings of a story.
I am 732 words into the story of Eloise and I have a long way to go. But it's a start. I feel like I'm not just a writer that has lost her way anymore. I am a writer. I am creative and I can do this. I'm going to give it my all to actually finish what I start.
I meant what I said to my course:
As many of you know, I've signed up for a creative writing course on Romantic Writing. We can't completely call it a genre, as when you start to look into it further you realize there are so many different variations and lengths of stories involved. For a better idea - Harlequin has much of it broken down here: http://www.harlequin.com/articlepage.html?articleId=538&chapter=0
Friday was my first day of the course. I've been chomping at the bit to get in there and find out what it's all about. I have never done online learning, so I'm not 100% what to expect, but when I logged on I found things to be fairly straight forward. It was the first week and we already had a discussion topic that they've asked all of us to answer. The instructor basically wanted us to tell them who we are, where we came from and what brought us to the course. And then they asked us to tell what we like about romance writing as a reader.
Fairly straight forward right?
Not for me.
I over-analyze everything. Odd, since when I write it's basically verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth. (or written diarrhea as the case may be.) I started to put some things down and then realized that when I went back to the site, that other people in the course had written something already. It's interesting that we are able to see each others writing, but I know this is to generate discussion and not for assignments. (Even if it's worth 10% of our final grade in the course.)
With incredible apprehension I decided to check out what was written. I found that the people there seemed pretty genuine, but so different than me. It seemed they had only read the question at the top of the page and none of the other content on the site and then wrote a little blurb. There were spelling and grammar mistakes - something that I would think anyone taking a writing course would do their best to avoid. I tried not to judge, but it was hard not to. These are people that I feel I'm going to be compared to for the entire duration of the program - 4 months of us going against each other for assignments and grades.
Okay, let's be honest, I'm a bit of a nerd. I did really well in any of my English courses in school and I've always loved writing. Therefore I was very surprised by the responses to the questions. I thought everyone would be as thorough as I was planning to be - that everyone would go into detail to answer all of the questions. Instead it was more informal and natural.
The instructor had already answered 3 of the submissions that were in before the end of business today and she seemed very friendly and welcoming to all of them. I felt a little stumped. Here I was having to write something and slowly realizing that I was in this program for some slightly different reasons than the other people were - two were just taking courses because they like to write and are waiting for the next phase of their education, and one was taking the course so that she can help build on how to write relationships-but she had already completed a full novel.
I felt that in many respects, I was light years ahead and yet also completely behind. I've been published, something the three others had not really been. I used to work at a newspaper. But as anyone who has worked in the industry can tell you, being a journalist and being a fiction writer are two very different beasts. One tells the facts and the other is creative and often lives in a fantasy world.
And so I decided that this was where I was going to start.
I am a writer who has lost her way.
And it was with that, that I started to do more research into romance writing. It was then that I started to see that there was more than just writing about heaving bossums and strong male leads, although if that's what you are into writing you can. I realized that there is a very strong place for me in romantic fiction and within a few hours, ideas came to my mind. I started writing some things down and then ultimately turned it into the beginnings of a story.
I am 732 words into the story of Eloise and I have a long way to go. But it's a start. I feel like I'm not just a writer that has lost her way anymore. I am a writer. I am creative and I can do this. I'm going to give it my all to actually finish what I start.
I meant what I said to my course:
"I no longer want to be the woman with her nose in a book, I want to be the woman with her name ON the book."
Monday 9 January 2012
My day at the Psychic Expo
Went to the Psychic Expo at Bingemans in Kitchener yesterday with two special ladies in my life, my bestie Leanne and her friend Holly (who is my friend too but I know her through Leanne).
This wasn't my first expo, but it was my first at Bingemans. Prices have gone up quite a bit since I was at one about 10 years ago with my other bestie Devon and our friend Neil. Anyhow, I knew from experience that there are lots of psychics, mediums, tarot readers, palm readers and lots of prices and experiences being offered. What was nice about this expo was that they had them all set up around the outside of the room, and the inside had books, tarot decks, crystals, jewlery, and other little things that were for sale. We got in and wandered the entire room and tried to determine what we'd like to do.
I had warned the girls in advance that it wasn't going to be cheap if you wanted a really through experience. After going around, we found that $75 is the going rate for nearly everything. Many of the people at the show were actually fully booked for every time slot. It didn't really matter to us however.
I'm big on the vibe I get off people. There is something to be said for being comfortable with the people you are working with. When we did our first pass through, I didn't even think that I was going to get anything, let alone a reading. Holly and Leanne agreed that the very first table we went to felt like the most thorough and the best choice. His name was Tony, he was directly to the right of the main doors and he wasn't that busy. Surprising considering all that the did for people in his reading. He did a facial reading, palm reading, he would tell you about four people in your life, did a touch of numerology with your birthday and generally was pretty good. He didn't stay on any subject too long, but you were able to get a cd of your reading (minus a few parts). His wife was working the table and all of us got good vibes but I just wasn't sure I needed a full reading.
As I may have mentioned, I had a pretty good tarot reading in December. My other bestie Kristina hosted a tarot party day at her house where there were readings every half hour. I came out feeling better about what direction I needed to take. It actually helped inspire me to sign up for the course I'm starting Friday and to get my own office.
Back to the show, after deliberating, Holly booked her session and we had some time to wander around. On this pass, we ended up talking to some of the booths that were really busy when we went by and we got talking to a visual psychic. I got a warm and fuzzy feeling from them. We shared some laughs and I really liked the idea of getting a piece of art that is unique to me. Plus, at $65 I was saving a bit of money in the process.
I know what some people will say, psychics are crazy and the people that pay money for them are even worse. I don't agree with that. I think if you are open to it, things can come through. Some people, I don't trust but much of my experience has been very accurate. I've been guided in directions that I've needed to go and I've also been told some things that are very hard to hear. Yet this weekend when we were at the expo I was really looking for something light and easy and fun. I wanted to have fun with it. I wasn't on the quest for answers and the booth I chose was really worth it.
After getting some cash and booking a time I was able to sit with Beverly and have a Mystical Art Reading. She sat me down, we meditated together, she didn't ask me very many questions but got me to be calm, relaxed and asked me to silently ask for my spirit guides to be there with me and to help me with this process. It was hard because I found myself getting distracted by the voices around me, but I called to them in my mind. I think going in with an open mind, I really didn't know what to expect. However when the time came to reveal the painting, the first thing I saw was the two doves on top - an affirmation to me that my mother and grandmother came through and that this was a really good experience.
I didn't feel sadness. I only felt light and happy. Beverly kept telling me that I had good energy and even her husband was impressed by how clear the images were in my painting. Many animals came through - several bears, two moose, the two doves. I had a hindu goddess and a couple angels. It was fascinating to see them and it was amazing to see how much came through when you really looked at it.
The animals came as an indication of spirit guides. Native Americans have talked about the spirit guides for many generations, finding them in the stars, and in the flames. They viewed the spirit guides as an indication of where you are and what you need to do to move forward. Beverly and John had books about the guides and what they meant and it was interesting to see that they were more of an affirmation of where I am in my life and where I need to go to move forward.
Oh sure, some of the figures and animals that Beverly saw didn't really show themselves to me, and sure I thought some of it was a little out there as a vision in the paint, but for the most part they were very clear. Leanne saw an elephant in my painting. It was so clear to her that she was amazed that both Beverly and I couldn't immediately see it.
It was fascinating, and I'm going to wait to let the paint dry completely before framing. I'll include a picture when I get a chance but for the meantime - here is a video from another show that pretty much explains everything. To find out more, visit Beverly's website: www.beverlystephan.com.
This wasn't my first expo, but it was my first at Bingemans. Prices have gone up quite a bit since I was at one about 10 years ago with my other bestie Devon and our friend Neil. Anyhow, I knew from experience that there are lots of psychics, mediums, tarot readers, palm readers and lots of prices and experiences being offered. What was nice about this expo was that they had them all set up around the outside of the room, and the inside had books, tarot decks, crystals, jewlery, and other little things that were for sale. We got in and wandered the entire room and tried to determine what we'd like to do.
I had warned the girls in advance that it wasn't going to be cheap if you wanted a really through experience. After going around, we found that $75 is the going rate for nearly everything. Many of the people at the show were actually fully booked for every time slot. It didn't really matter to us however.
I'm big on the vibe I get off people. There is something to be said for being comfortable with the people you are working with. When we did our first pass through, I didn't even think that I was going to get anything, let alone a reading. Holly and Leanne agreed that the very first table we went to felt like the most thorough and the best choice. His name was Tony, he was directly to the right of the main doors and he wasn't that busy. Surprising considering all that the did for people in his reading. He did a facial reading, palm reading, he would tell you about four people in your life, did a touch of numerology with your birthday and generally was pretty good. He didn't stay on any subject too long, but you were able to get a cd of your reading (minus a few parts). His wife was working the table and all of us got good vibes but I just wasn't sure I needed a full reading.
As I may have mentioned, I had a pretty good tarot reading in December. My other bestie Kristina hosted a tarot party day at her house where there were readings every half hour. I came out feeling better about what direction I needed to take. It actually helped inspire me to sign up for the course I'm starting Friday and to get my own office.
Back to the show, after deliberating, Holly booked her session and we had some time to wander around. On this pass, we ended up talking to some of the booths that were really busy when we went by and we got talking to a visual psychic. I got a warm and fuzzy feeling from them. We shared some laughs and I really liked the idea of getting a piece of art that is unique to me. Plus, at $65 I was saving a bit of money in the process.
I know what some people will say, psychics are crazy and the people that pay money for them are even worse. I don't agree with that. I think if you are open to it, things can come through. Some people, I don't trust but much of my experience has been very accurate. I've been guided in directions that I've needed to go and I've also been told some things that are very hard to hear. Yet this weekend when we were at the expo I was really looking for something light and easy and fun. I wanted to have fun with it. I wasn't on the quest for answers and the booth I chose was really worth it.
After getting some cash and booking a time I was able to sit with Beverly and have a Mystical Art Reading. She sat me down, we meditated together, she didn't ask me very many questions but got me to be calm, relaxed and asked me to silently ask for my spirit guides to be there with me and to help me with this process. It was hard because I found myself getting distracted by the voices around me, but I called to them in my mind. I think going in with an open mind, I really didn't know what to expect. However when the time came to reveal the painting, the first thing I saw was the two doves on top - an affirmation to me that my mother and grandmother came through and that this was a really good experience.
I didn't feel sadness. I only felt light and happy. Beverly kept telling me that I had good energy and even her husband was impressed by how clear the images were in my painting. Many animals came through - several bears, two moose, the two doves. I had a hindu goddess and a couple angels. It was fascinating to see them and it was amazing to see how much came through when you really looked at it.
The animals came as an indication of spirit guides. Native Americans have talked about the spirit guides for many generations, finding them in the stars, and in the flames. They viewed the spirit guides as an indication of where you are and what you need to do to move forward. Beverly and John had books about the guides and what they meant and it was interesting to see that they were more of an affirmation of where I am in my life and where I need to go to move forward.
Oh sure, some of the figures and animals that Beverly saw didn't really show themselves to me, and sure I thought some of it was a little out there as a vision in the paint, but for the most part they were very clear. Leanne saw an elephant in my painting. It was so clear to her that she was amazed that both Beverly and I couldn't immediately see it.
It was fascinating, and I'm going to wait to let the paint dry completely before framing. I'll include a picture when I get a chance but for the meantime - here is a video from another show that pretty much explains everything. To find out more, visit Beverly's website: www.beverlystephan.com.
Saturday 7 January 2012
What a lovely way to burn
Already here we are 7 days into 2012 and I've been pretty busy. I've got an office area set up for me to let my mind run wild. In doing so, I've even gotten our new/used scanner working on the computer and have scanned a few images today to facebook. Oh what the hell, I'll include one or two in this post.I'm so excited to have my own office space. Our house has felt like a home but I've felt fairly stifled in having an area to call my own. Now that I've commandered the spare room, I feel better about things. Let's face it, when we got this 3 bedroom house we were going to have a room for us, an office for James and a room for our babies. We've been here nearly 3 years and so far we've had less than a handful of people sleep in the room and it generally just sits empty without any action. Finally I decided, enough is enough. The baby thing isn't happening so let's make it something useful. I cannot tell you how good it feels having a sense of peace washing over me when I enter this room. It's amazing what a little space of your own can do to lift your spirits.
I was inspired by the colour scheme in this room I found on pinterest. I know I don't want to paint, but I'm pulling some of the blues into the room and will have pinches of hot pink and such. I think it's going to look pretty good. The walls are white, my desk is white and now I'm on the hunt for a good office chair. I don't want to spend an arm and a leg though. Even if I do hope to start using this room daily.
Why am I wanting to use the room daily?
Well I'm taking a course. Yes, a course. I signed up for a romance writing course through Conestoga College. It's funny when I mention it to be people because I tend to gauge their reaction. Let's face it, romance fiction is most people's dirty little secret. Even though I'm excited about it, I'm worried how people will look at me. I tell them I'm taking a creative writing course, to which I generally get a good response and then I clarify and say it's a romance writing course. I would say 90% of the people think it's great. Some have even told me that they are jealous because it's something they'd love to do and then there are the other 10% that tell me they can't understand it. Of course those people also don't understand writing and have never felt the passion that is involved in creating something you enjoy.
In cleaning my office I found some poems and essays and stories I had written years before - long before James. It isn't that I haven't written since meeting James, but I find since I've been with him my writing is more introspective rather than imaginative. I'm hoping this course helps me get back to my creativity.
In other news, I have decided to take up the challenge for #26in2012. If you don't remember, I did the #26in2011 challenge last year. The challenge has been taken up by people as a somewhat goal to read 26 books of your choosing in a given year. That's a book every two weeks. Some of my friends started out strong, some lost count and others just reached their goal. As far as I can tell, I was the only one to really blow out it out of the water with the high number I had. To see how much I read, go to my previous blog post: http://quirkycori.blogspot.com/2012/01/recap-of-26in2011.html
To keep me honest, I'm going to keep track of all the books in the sidebar of the blog. I know it doesn't really matter, but at least it holds me accountable to the record.
And so, with that you are basically caught up in my life. Now my pretties, leave a comment and tell me what's going on in your life? I'd love to hear from you. :)
(In case you are wondering about the picture in this post, it was taken at a photobooth back in 2007 with my then fiancee James, my old roommate Bridgit who I call my lil' sis, and her friend Wayne - good times were had that day for sure.)
Monday 2 January 2012
Recap of #26in2011
I somehow read many more than my #26in2011 challenge. In case you weren't aware, at the start of January 2011, several people that I follow on twitter had decided to take up the challenge to read 26 books in the year. that would be an average of a book every two weeks. I had a lot of challenges against me, but my lust for reading and getting lost in a book was too powerful. I read over my 26 books in the summer. I tried doing a review of as many books as possible at the start of the year but then time got lost on me. And since we've started 2012, I figured I should take the opportunity to put all of them together in one list. A history of my book loving for a whole year.
- 41. The Walk - Richard Paul Evans
- 40. Any Man of Mine - Rachel Gibson
- 39, Tamed by a Laird - Amanda Scott
- 38. The Perfect Man - Sheila O'Flanagan
- 37. Book of the Dead - Patricia Cornwell
- 36. It Happened at Christmas - Penny Jordan, Helen Brooks & Carol Wood
- 35. Now & Then - Robert B. Parker
- 34. A Risk Worth Taking - Robin Pilcher
- 33. That Perfect Someone-Johanna Lindsey
- 32. Ya-Yas in Bloom - Rebecca Wells
- 31. The Cookie Club - Ann Pearlman
- 30. Straight Up - Deirdre Martin
- 29. The Pledge - Rob Kean
- 28. Lake News - Barbara Delinsky
- 27. Pink Slip - Rita Ciresi
- 26. Eat Pray Love - Elizabeth Gilbert
- 25. Outlander - Diana Gabaldon
- 24. The Overnight Socialite - Bridie Clark
- 23. Kings Daughter - Christie Dickason
- 22. Shadowy Horses - Susanna Kearsley
- 21. Maiden of Inverness - Arnette Lamb
- 20. Highland Barbarian - Hannah Howell
- 19. The Devil's Queen: A Novel of Catherine de Medici - Jeanne Kalogridis
- 18. The Castaways - Elin Hilderbrand
- 17. The Pact: A Love Story - Jodi Picoult
- 16. Trespass - Valerie Martin
- 15. Carolina Isle - Jude Deveraux
- 14. The Fabric of Sin - Phil Rickman
- 13. The Third Circle - Amanda Quick
- 12. Gardens of Delight - Erica James
- 11. Deeply Desperately - Heather Webber
- 10. Heartless - Alison Gaylin
- 09. The Secret - Julie Garwood
- 08. Hope in a Jar - Beth Harbison
- 07. Bitch Posse - Martha O'Connor
- 06. Found Wanting - Robert Goddard
- 05. Shadow Music - Julie Garwood
- 04. Winter Solstice - Rosamunde Pilcher
- 03. The Book of Lies - Brad Meltzer
- 02. The White Queen - Philippa Gregory
- 01. Ransom - Julie Garwood
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