Sisterly love

My sister went into the hospital this week. She's been having a rough go and I think everything caught up to her.

She blacked out last weekend and wasn't waking up. My niece was the only one with her when it happened and rather than call me, she called her cousin out of town to come in and take my sister to the hospital.

In so many ways I feel like I'm to blame for the rift in our relationship. If I just tried harder. If I just spoke up more, or tried to spend more time with them they would think of me as someone they could count on. It's not that I wouldn't come if there was a true emergency, it's that they never think of me.

I'm not as helpful nor am I as involved in their day to day lives. My life is busy, but at the same time it's not. I try and include my family in my life, but get a lot of excuses and a lot of "Some other time". I try not to get upset that they are missing out on my life, but I feel bad that I'm missing out on theirs.

Before I met my husband I was intrinsically attached to everyone in my family. I spent all my time with them. I didn't really have friends of my own that I hung out with on a regular basis but when I met my husband, I suddenly found myself being drawn into hanging out with people my own age who had similar interests to me. I found they really wanted me to spend time with them and enjoyed talking to me about me and what I was interested in. I think my friends find it hard to believe that I'm the quiet one in my family in that I can be quite loud and boisterous.

I miss my family though. I miss just being able to spend time with them doing nothing. Sitting around and watching tv or comparing notes while we people watch at the mall. I didn't really have to pick up the phone or email them in that I could just come to their house, walk in and make myself at home. Now it's more we only visit during birthdays and holidays.

My sister and I used to be really close, spent every weekend together. Over time we both got busy doing other things and before I knew it, I didn't have a clue what she was into or even what music she likes. We used to laugh together and just generally be together. We'd shop, we played baseball together. Here we are a few years later and I'm not even on the quick call list in her house and I can count the number of times she's been to my house on one hand.

I wish that things were different, but I have no idea how to go back. Or how to change things so that we are closer again. All I know is that she is my family, my blood, and I will always love her and her pain will always be my pain. Even if I'm not the first one she calls.